Make Way for the Queen!

The much overdue post!

Karmic Madan has returned from the "high"land- Amsterdam- and is now a changed man. He loves India..... finally.......calls dilapidated chawls in Bombay Parisian beauties, almost hugs cabbies who give him directions and has told me I was a maharani in my previous life! I always knew it! The love for laziness, the love for comfort, the love for snobbery....I'm so cut out to be a princess! Though honestly I think it's the long Cleopatra nose that gave it away but whatever the signs were, at least now there're 2 people who believe I'm royal. (For all smart alecs who want to now say that they already thought I was a royal....... pain....you are all royal pains yourselves! Hmph! Yup, need to definitely disable anonymous comments for this one!)

There's so much to write about for a change....which means I make a mess of the post but am going to start anyway....

Ok, so first things first. Let the sympathies roll in. I'm recovering from a bad sprain in the back. The strain of a sprain is really quite a bothersome pain! (And the rain in Spain is mainly in the plains but that is sheer poetry!). Am much better now thank you!

Now for the meat of the post. Jokey Kumar got hitched. Highlights follow...

- Lost on Mumbai roads: Karmic Madan, Vestige Blackberry Dhar and Zee, the three non Mumbaites decide to borrow Alkesh (our friend's proudly named car) to reach a place 5 mins away. In the process....

• .....we jump a red light and were hailed by a cop. Foreign returned Madan for some reason found this extremely exciting, given that he hasn't been challaaned by an Indian cop in a while and has obviously missed it! So he got off the car and greeted the cop with an enthusiastic "Hello Sir!!"...much in a star struck tone as I would use if I were to meet Shah Rukh Khan. The fully shocked cop decided to dismiss this strange bunch of people after a Rs 100 fine only to hear Madan say fondly, "I love Indian cops. See, he's so honest. No bribe also!"

• ....then we lost the way! After many cabbies had a hearty laugh at us, we circled the same roads billions of times and drove past all the slums in Mumbai, we met Mr Nice Cabbie who not only showed us the way but also stopped when he was going his way and gave us simple, straightforward directions to where we were headed. Karmic Madan thanked this gentleman profusely (almost touched his feet!!)...rolled up his window, and started driving only to say, "The issue is, I was so overwhelmed by his kindness, I didn't hear a word of the directions he gave us!" Hence a 5 mins drive ended in a 45 drive around Prabhadevi!

• ....we dropped beanpole at a shop to buy felt pens and decided to take a drive around the corner as stopping wasn't allowed, lost the way and then forgot where we'd dropped off beanpole in the first place!

- Performers we're not: We were tricked into a performance by the groom's family at the sangeet. We spent so much time preparing props for the play that we had no time to figure out the script and so when the group was 2 drinks down we stood in the lobby of the venue and discussed who was to do what. What ensued was the most disastrous performance in the history of performances and polite relatives came and said they wanted a repeat. Hmm....maybe they weren't so polite after all and were laughing at us! Hmph Hmph!

- Rockstar Zee: After the much disastrous performance, I decide to drown my sorrows in a sea of Billo Rani and other bollywood numbers and hit the dancefloor for a couple of hours. The groom's mum on her way out says "Zee, Beta, you're a rockstar!" Yes, it was a comment which would've made my evening but when I caught my reflection in the mirror, I realised it was not due to my dancing skills but rather my hair- a cross between rockstar Lenny Kravitz and Jim Morrison having a bad bad baaaaaaaaaad hair day! Head and Shoulders anti dandruff shampoo works on the Centershock principle!

- The Tulled out groom: We got the groom drunk. This is a man who staggers when you give him one small vodka. 3 shots were downed that day. He touched the feet of every 20 yr old who entered the venue, was caught trying to walk a straight line by many elderly, glaring relatives and spent a good 2 hours predicting everyone's future. For some strange reason he only commented on my past!!! Hmmm....

- Shiny disco, disco, disco...: At the wedding, I took the sole responsibility of providing lighting in the hall. My bright (an understatement), sequined sari earned me my nickname for life - shiny disco ball- and had people scurrying for their dark glasses everytime I neared them. LC decided to turn off the flash in her camera. Smart decision.

- Pheras, phinally! The 2:30am pheras saw a bunch of extremely sleepy people seated in a corner holding marigold flowers placing bets on who would get the groom's nose. We were too sleepy to figure out who won.

I would blog more but my dinner beckons. Not before I tell you how I spilled an entire bottle of water on my laptop in office! The result of this was a non working B key (the water made a B-line for the B!!!) and I realised how little we use the alphabet B unless it's to hurl abuses at someone- in hindi or english.....try it!

Hmmm....

I've realised the pictures I look best in are the ones which are blurred...

Does that mean I'm ugly?

Broken

Its like the angels above have unleashed their fury! I was clearly the laughing stock of all in and around CP today.....again....because...take a guess....I broke my shoe! AGAIN! No let me not edit the details.

You see, after the last shoe breaking episode, there was yet another shoe breaking episode, thankfully this time in office and so I walked around with a stapled strap the entire day. That was one week ago. And today, a third episode broke!!!

I wore a new pair of shoes this morning, which belong to my mum, and was complaining about how the strap is hurting me. These shoes are extremely fashionable you see. Two straps criss cross each other and then end up in a third strap which is buckled around the ankle (only a woman can describe a goddamn shoe in so much detail!). So half way down the walk to office, one strap gave way. I was inches away from the cobbler but some sort of strange pride took over me and I decided not to let him laugh at my expense again. Visions of him saying "You're the same madam who was walking barefoot last week? Can't you find yourself good quality shoes you cheapskate" and then the guards guffawing and pointing to my broken shoe, snapped (pun intended) me back to reality and I decided to give him a miss. After all, the office building was only 10 steps away.

5 steps down, the other strap decides to die out on me as well. With all my pride I walk into the building with the sole flying all over the place and making embarrassing clip clop sounds in the quiet lift lobby. A hundred faces turn to look at the noisemaker. 75 of them snicker immediately. 25 look down in disgust at my state. Gathering all my pride I walk into the lift and clamber into my office and am currently sitting barefoot with my feet on my chair!

Oh well, at least I have a chair today. Being a start up, we have limited seating now in our office. But I realised only yesterday how limited is limited when we had 4 visitors in our office and to accommodate them, our chairs were pulled into the meeting room....leaving me sitting on a floor for part of the day and seeing me perched on my table for the remaining! Exaggerating? Wish I was...

Am actually looking forward to the office shifting to Gurgaon now (even though the new office is more like in Jaipur than in Gurgaon!) but at least I'll have a chair to sit on! The scary part is that being a start up, I was one of the people who's expertise was called upon to decide on what furniture and what flooring and what board colours should be used in the office....my expertise because I fit the "young, female" criteria (I quote them ok!)....So here I was looking at what seemed to be the same shade of green though they swore it wasn't....I finally pointed my finger at the 3rd green in the bunch because....well because 3 sounds like a good number??? For those who don't know it, I have absolutely no sense of colour or design and my room is a dumpyard (trust me!) minus one discarded mattress which has a discarded saree wrapped around it!

Anyway, before I sign out....found out yesterday that someone from the blogger world, who's blog I follow off and on, is coming in as my boss! This is one hell of a small world....and not a happy one at that!

Update: 24 hours later: Wednesday morning in office: Broke my shoe AGAIN!!!!!!

Plea to God now: Heel the world, make it a better place

Blurring Lines....

(At my philosophical best)

Blurring lines....
....between the rich and the poor
….between the far and near
….between bravery and fear

Blurring lines….
....between day and night
....between wrong and right
….between tiffs and fights

Blurring lines....
....between the ugly and cute
....between funny and rude
....between cool and crude

Blurring lines....
....between a relationship and a date
....between love and hate
….between ill luck and fate

Blurring lines....
….between icing and cream
….between stars and light beams
....between reality and dreams…….

Yes, truly random thoughts…observations…and a result of an acute stomach infection!!!

Blurring lines....
....between the rich and the poor
Drove past a hindi medium school yesterday...and nothing about the kids there said they came from less privileged families....they were well dressed, no oiled braids, no untidy shoes, body language as cool as anyone elses…..
My maid now has a maid at home, has a son who works for an MNC, spends that Rs 25 on a caller tune I’m stingy to spend on…

Blurring lines....
....between day and night
I feel more alive when the sun goes down...the city wakes up…you sleep through the day and make plans to party through the night….

Blurring lines....
….between the far and near
Get from Delhi to Bombay in the same time it takes to drive through the traffic choked route from office to home…

Blurring lines....
....between funny and rude
When do things stop being funny? When do you know when someone has pushed the joke a bit too far? When do you know when you’re on the verge of being rude?

Blurring lines....
....between a relationship and a date
How many relationships end up just being a date? How many relationships are treated like mere dates?

Blurring lines....
….between stars and light beams
Walk into one of the grandeur wedding places…the fairy lights glistening from the trees….who looks up to the stars for their beauty anymore?

Blurring lines....
....between the ugly and cute
Definitions change…dark was not cute when you were little, fair is not cute when you grow up….short was not cute when you were a teenager, short is more approachable now…those who were ugly as kids are suddenly centerstage at parties….those who were cute in yearbooks suddenly look haggard old wannabes

Blurring lines…..As a matter of perspective….as how you want to see it……….

(No I’m not low! I’m just philosophical! I’m bored. I'm jobless. I’m hoping it’s not jaundice!)

Too much “shoe” sha!

Note: Post written last night (beanpole...last night, not yesterday night...wren and martin would be proud!)

I sit in office at 12:37am. Having worked 5 years, I have never done this late a night! Ok so a lot of you may feel I’m damn lucky and all but hey…I have a philosophy in life..that I come before my profession!

So what changed it today? Luck I guess…dirty, rotten, filthy luck!

It started with me waking up a whooping 20 mins past my usual waking time. That sent me into a fit! It meant 20 mins to get ready if I didn’t want to dish out 100 bucks for getting into work late (yup there’s a fine and all now)

Rushed to discover 3 pieces of news I could’ve done without…..that there’s no water to bathe with, that my mum decided to step on my only clip and that there’s no petrol in my car! But check out my optimism…I thought the day could still improve and did decide to make it to work!

Now the countdown kind of begun….9:30 is the time I need to reach office if I need to avoid the fine. There’s a 15 min walk before that from the parking to the office. So in my mad frenzy, I surprisingly reached a whooping 5 mins early to the parking- 9:10! Was I really doubting my luck? Ha!

And I began sprinting to office, decided I didn’t have the patience to wait for the pedestrian light to turn green so I should take the longer route to avoid wasting time…and what was with the gentleman in front of me giving me no space to walk and walking at a speed that would give a snail a complex???? “Overtake” said the devil inside me

That's when the leap happened, the space spotten where I could ease my foot between the building and the man and overtake the slow coach! The foot went forward, the shoe stretched and the string….broke!

I notice the shoe has been an integral part of my blog. Be it the time when the woman dug her heel in my injured toe or the wedding when the broken heel got stuck in the carpet and I went flying towards the bride’s mother....

The point being…here I was holding a broken shoe in my hand, my office building not even in site and the ultra clean streets of CP which I have spoken about earlier laughed at my despondency! So with shoes in hand, this executive dressed in an ironed office shirt and trousers, sporting her laptop, walked barefoot in the midst of a crowded road, everyone curiously staring wondering why anyone would step out of their shoes in the middle of all this muck!

The cobbler was happy with the popularity I brought him….what with all the guards and passerbys and all and sundry coming by to laugh at the poor girl who stood on one foot trying to maintain her balance.....Thanking him profusely, I began my walk as gracefully as I could back to my office in my newly mended shoe only to find the miracle worker had dug a nail too many to make the walk a rather painful 5 mins!

If the morning started as such, take a guess on how the day went cause at midnight, the last thing I want to do is get into details no one wants to read. And let me clarify, the reason I'm writing this post and not working is because my colleague is jazzing up the presentation which was meant for day after but has now been preponed to tomorrow!!!

Come Saturday

Saturdays were once a joyous occasion.........

It all started with one Saturday in 1980... (no point in hiding my age...it's out there on my profile and s even smsed saying "zee, i just saw your age on your blog profile and realised how old we all are"...a not so good mood followed...).....when I chose to make my entry by being born. What timing I tell you! The weekend's just started, the first few faces you see are in a good mood, no one's wearing office neckties and people can spend time cooing at your cute face cause no boss is waiting for them to show up!

During my growing up years, Joyous Saturdays took the form of days which started at noon (even if you woke up by 10 it was uncool to be out of bed before 12 lest people mistook you for a variety that don't value their sleep), it was spent far far away from books- it was a crime to touch your weekend homework before Sunday night- and it involved watching Mary Poppins on the VCR post some tracking of course cause it surely wasn't the first time I was seeing it you know!

Ok so for a short period of time in school, Saturdays did face a slight downside in popularity when my maths tutor decided that "Suchhurdays" was a better day to get cracking at those trig questions cause "all I needed was a little fresh mind". He soon learnt otherwise.....

Then worklife began and the importance of Saturdays increased manifolds! Friday evenings spent in a fury to avoid working over the weekend and the drive back home on Friday evenings demanded the window to be rolled down, music to be loud and phonecalls to plan the big day!

Saturdays spent watching VH1 Classics, showing songs you've grown up to, feeling depressed that your songs were now Classics and then getting your act together and going partying to feel young! The same old people, the same old jokes, the same old music, the same old clothes (for me)...net net a perfect evening!

Saturdays then turned into the one day when the boy couldn't give the I-live-too-far excuse to come see me!

And now, 27 years from that first joyous Saturday, here I am rotting in an office when the outside temperature is 30 degrees and the inside temperature is 50 degrees cause they don't want to switch on the air conditioning! And no boyfriend in town. And no dhinchak parties to go to. And no Mary Poppins DVD to entertain me when I get home. And the only song that's coming to my mind is that horrible Whigfield...Classic indeed!!

Attn: Women in High Heels

Please note where your feet at going.

Are you wearing heels today? Are they stillettos (confession: I had to google the spelling) that are unnaturally sharp and pointy? Are you too engrossed in conversation to even notice the poor girl with the injured, band-aided toe standing behind you? Here's a piece of advice. Look where you step! It should preferably not be on the injured girl's band-aided toe!!!! And do NOT under any circumstance ask "Oh, did I hurt you?"! Take a guess smart alec!

Life Jing-a-lala

(Caution to the theorist kind of species. This post has several mentions of the forbidden B word. Please read at own risk)

Today I am thoroughly bored. And have an acute craving for chocolate. After almost fainting with desire to eat one piece of dairy milk.... after going down a rickety office lift surrounded by people who don't believe in the art of bathing in winters....after walking to a dilapidated paan shop heaped with dirty plastic bags so that you had to go round the counter to even spot the seller... after handing out Rs 1o to buy a dairy milk who's expiry date I was afraid to read...after plonking it all in my mouth and savouring it for full 40 seconds...here I am craving for chocolate....again! And hence blogging to distract myself

Adarsh tagged me. A book tag. Only last week did I discover books again when my broadband cord broke, my boyfriend ran off to make Guwhati a fairer place (he looks after a fairness cream brand) and when I had had enough of gleaming sari wrapped daughters in law with sindoor running down till their noses in, ironically, a family planning sign (the inverted triangle) on TV. That's when I stretched out and hit my hand against a book of a non comical non Archie nature and read City of Djinns.

To the uninitatied, it's a travel book cum history book on Delhi and delves into stories and architecture and the history of Delhi. So thoroughly fascinating that most of the romantic midnight conversations with boy went "Do you know what that Shahjahan did?....." followed by a rather animated "zzzzzzzzz" from the other end of the line!

Anyway, getting back to the tag, one City of Djinns won't give me enough dope to put together a tag on just that so I take the liberty to convert this to a TV show tag! (Theorist, you can read on safely from here)

A show that made you laugh: MASH. When exams dawned, it only struck you when mom would ask you to spend MASH time on books!

A show that made you cry: Bold and the Beautiful. Why oh why would they air it and consume precious TV time!

A show that scared you: The extraordinary. Ok, so I never got past the titles...

A show that disgusted you: Bold and the Beautiful. What the...

A show you loved in elementary school: Errr...given the vast choice at that point of time...Krishi Darshan????

A show you loved in college: I kind of discovered boys by then after being released from an all girls school so wasn't really wasting time on TV

A show that challenged your identity: Indian Idol. Matlab ki am I not already the ultimate Indian Idol??? Singing barred....

Your favorite science fiction show: Ekta Kapoor serials of course. No one ever ages or dies.

Your favourite biography show: Tom and Jerry...........You mean they don't exist?

Your favorite fantasy show: Nigella's feasts. Do you have any idea how many hours are spent dreaming of those chocolate cakes she makes with a whiff of her hand?

I know you're dying for many more precious insights about me but get a hold on yourselves. There's only so much you can blog from work you know. If I'm kicked out, who'll pay the Tata Sky bills?

Geographically Yours

Darjeeling. Tea estates. Mountains. Greenery. On the list of places to see before I die. Darjeeling. Darjeeling in.......errrr.......????

Sundays are lovely. They start with a stream of cook shows on ndtv, travel and living, times now, zee tv, star plus..........ok so you get the point. I am a cook show addict. It's out in the open. My cool reputation has been damaged for life. But ok ok. I confess. I love cook shows!

No I don't cook. I have experience in tea making though a certain someone says culinary skills are not my forte (hmph hmph) but beyond putting a Betty Crocker cake mix into the oven or cooking Maggi post reading the instructions, I admit my cooking quite puts a full stop there. Yet there's something about watching cooking shows.........You can smell the spices, feel the smooth chocolate, hear the sizzle.....it's one of the most fulfilling, mouth watering experiences ever!

And now having made that point about my passion for cookery shows, last Sunday I was planted in front of the TV watching a tea special show based in Darjeeling while on the phone with boy and I sighed and said "Wow! Darjeeling. I've always wanted to go to Assam"
"How's it related?"
"What do you mean it's not related?"
"Darjeeling isn't in Assam"
"Oh...really? Arunachal then?"
"What?"
"Sikkim? Manipur?"
"West Bengal."
"What rubbish!"
Call made to general "knowledged" brother in law. Answer confirmed. With sister in the background "Isn't Darjeeling a state?"

Now you don't get it. I pride myself in knowing a lot about geography. I know all the capitals of the states of India and.........err....I know all the capitals of the states of India! So it really was a blow to my geographical ego. And I decided to see how badly off I was by asking my giggly girl gang.

Me: "So where is Darjeeling"
G1: "Assam"
G2: "Assam"
Me: "Ha ha!"
G1: "Ok, Manipur"
Me: "Ha ha ha ha!" Check me out being miss know-it-all
G2: "Ha ha! West Bengal" Second time lucky
G3: "What rubbish! Not West Bengal!" Silence. "West Bengal?"

I am much relieved by this lack of general knowledge. But what takes the cake is....
Friend 1: "Let's go for the Rio fest this year!"
Friend 2: "Ya man! And let's go to Brazil too!"

I'm glad I did commerce.....

Sigh.......

Monday morning.

Extremely cold.

Fight with blanket.

Dragged self to office.

Open mail.

From: The business head
Subject: You are late
Body: This is unacceptable behaviour. Regards

Sigh...........

Oh Yuck!

I'm not one of those finicky environmentalists who tell their best friends that they refuse to be friends because they threw the wrapper on the road. Ok so I may tsk tsk at littering but that's because of a poem I learnt in class 3 which creatively went

"Hoot hoot
Don't pollute
Hoot hoot
Don't pollute
Save the planet earth"

Before I go further with this post, I must comment on the creativity of this poem. Why is an owl of all the creatures great and small telling us not to pollute! Could the poet not find any other word that rhymes with hoot? Boot, root, soot, dude?????

Anyway, the reason for this post is this. I have a 1 km walk from my car to my office. Yes yes, I've badgered you with that information for a while now. And the walk entails one of the filthiest walks around CP! (For the uninitated, CP is a connaught place...and if you don't know what that is...get a life....really!)

Early in the morning, when the rest of the city is clean and pure, the trees are bathed in dew and you exit from your freshly washed car, the last thing you want to do is spend your morning meandering through the corridors of CP avoiding....all sorts of muck!

So dogs...err....doing their stuff isn't something you can help but why do so many people insist on spitting just about everywhere! I just don't get it! I never feel like suddenly in the midst of a conversation opening up my mouth and spitting! Then why does anyone else? Is it because they don't keep the right company and need to gag at their conversations with these people? Do they just produce more saliva than the rest of the world and so need to dispose it every few minutes? Or do they find the sight of spit so revolting that they spit upon it themselves!!!

Or why do they need to lose control of their bladders when they see a tree? Or flick their empty gutkha packets like Rajnikant and then don't even attempt to catch it? Many more gross images are flooding my mind now.....and making me sick!

Had to unload.....

Back with a more cheerful post soon

Horrible 6 day week this one...

Random Thoughts

The first of the giggly girls got married last month. Never thought Al Dudette, the bride, who was born to get her pictures clicked would actually reach a point when she would shoo away the photographers! It’s almost like me saying I’ve had enough to eat!
***************

Performed on Sawariya for Al Dudette’s wedding. 4 months of salsaing and not a bit of it showed in any of my movements! Blamed it on our ageing 27 year old brains to not remember any of our steps once on stage. Even the scurrying off the stage post our performance wasn't graceful enough!
***************

Saw a very sweet scene last week on my walk to office....an old man walked out of the Bank of Baroda, holding up what seemed to be his updated passbook and smiling to himself. Pension day? :)
***************

Attended a wedding of an Indian boy marrying a firangi girl. Since the girl's family is far removed from the joota churai concept, we see the groom’s sister’s snickering in a corner with the bride’s shoes tucked under their arms!!! Very convenient to reverse the ritual and earn in dollars too! Needless to say the poor foreigner family got suckered....
***************

Important lesson learnt in life. Never eat and type at the same time. A crumble would roll onto the keyboard and possibly get suck under the T key and you can spend a good 10 mins trying to type out the t’s in the blog. Man, T must be the most commonly used alphabet or something…
***************

Cannot believe Deepika Padukone is seeing Yuvraj Singh. He's so ghaati!
***************

I need to buy a white jacket. Went out last night and all the page 3 varieties seemed to be sporting one. I felt very out of place in my oversize blue sweater which went for a wash last in 1875 or something!
***************

Met some Aunty who was bragging about her granddaughter and aweing at the kind of wit and intelligence kids nowadays show. To make her point, she tells my mom "Aajkal ke bacche toh bade computerized ho gaye hain" (Kids of today are highly computerised!). Cheers to pathbreaking English!
***************

Cried for 2.5 hours watching Tare Zameen Par. Would've cried all of the 3 hours but thanks to my punctual boy we arrived 1/2 hour late for the movie
***************

The crumb has now rolled down to the V key now....man....this is annoying.....

Just Had to Blog on 1st Jan Post!!!

I woke up this morning quite on a roll! I cracked a series of some 10-12 really bad jokes so decided to capitalise on the tide and blog today but now sitting in front of the comp I feel terribly dry of humour. That coupled with the fact that I'd rather have my fingers inside my blanket rather than in the biting cold on my keyboard.

Anyway, Happy New Year!!! It was a good new yrs eve...no fog, no one around me threw up, good food, good place and of course the boy was here! And the first day of the year goes well too! I'm wrapped up in my blanket, lazying around, with nothing to do and nowhere to go...just me and the tv...and a terrible craving for gooey chocolate cake! :(

Phew! Ok phone call made to mum asking her to pick up the Rs 70 Dairy Milk Bar...so life's all good again!

Hmm....I wonder what I want to do in the coming year. In school we had this thing of putting down our new years resolutions on a leaf....turning over a new leaf...and for years I thought the saying was "turning into a new leaf"....quite like I thought the song was "Chaudhary ka chand ho" instead of "Chaudhavi ka chand ko"....but more on my IQ later...

This year....
.....I resolve to spend more time at home with my family
.....I resolve to spend more time working in office than on facebook and not be too excited about finding new undone quizzes on facebook
.....I resolve to reach office on time at least 4 days a week
.....I resolve to blog more often
.....I resolve to watch at least one movie a fortnight
.....I resolve not to talk as much on the cellphone and then blame my stupidity on what the mobile waves are doing to my brain

And now I've got a phone call that's disrupted my thought process so........arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Happy New Year! Cheers!

Encore Vagueness

Some people get a chance to go to all these glamourous places, in glamourous airlines, in glamourous suits, stay in glamourous 5 star hotels and generally lead a glamourous life. However, mere mortals like me travel economy, plead with people to put me up in their homes, come out of the aircraft with disheveled hair as if I’ve never traveled in a plane before and so don’t quite seem to be living the glamourous life! Logically, if I’m the one roughing it out more, shouldn’t I be the one earning the more money? Reason fails me……

After another bout of travel where the pilot announced the outside temperature is minus 55 degrees in the sky…. (I mean what is the point of the statement I don’t understand! Am I supposed to feel safe? Cause I definitely don’t…I keep thinking if I have to jump out of the aircraft I’ll reach the earth as an ice lolly!) ….here I am back in office in no mood to work and after taking multiple self awareness quizzes on facebook, I thought I might as well do some writing. Now the question is…on what…

The easiest topic of course which I can rant on about is the whole marriage season and how friends continue to fall prey and my mum continues to provide the background score of “you-are-still-my-responsibility” kind of music (yep…face the music types) but I’ve already blogged about it in the past so let me stay away from it

The other topic that comes to mind is about waking up every morning to a chorus of “you have no time for me” from the family members cause I’ve spent my Saturday working (ya like I enjoyed it or something) and plan to spend my Sunday with friends from out of town. But let me not recount the you’re-the-useless-sibling thing since I’m still recovering from it

The third thing I can talk about is the biting winters which seem to be setting in and how it kills me to get out of the blanket in the morning and head out to work. It doesn’t help when they shift the goddamn office parking to the middle of CP and you have a whooping 10 min walk from the parking to the office and being the sportswoman I am, it takes a lot of huffing and puffing to make it before the boss spots your tardiness and you lose precious crumb points (the brownie points were lost long ago…it’s the crumbs that keep us going now).

And as much as I love the winters cause the lizards hibernate and everything is misty and romantic and Christmas and New yrs plans take up most of your mindspace, I also abhor it when you step out in flimsy sarees as it’s uncool to sport a shawl at the various weddings one is attending……… which takes us back to topic 1 …..and since I am attending those multiple weddings I’m unable to spend time at home ……..which takes me to topic 2 …..and since life has now successfully come a full circle, let me go back to doing some of those facebook quizzes!!!

It's about NOTHING

Seinfeld became popular for being a show about nothing. So this post is going to be just that.....nothing!!

I never thought I could dry up of things to write about. The loud, talkative punju in me...completely acquired, none genetic....made me believe that I would never lose an opportunity to keep talking!! And here I am at a loss of story....yet itching to blog....So here's a round up of my life in the last couple of weeks.

I've been traveling all over the place....Bombay, Pune, Chennai...the works! And here are snippets of thoughts from time spent on the move....

Flying not a piece of cake
Despite the many miles I have gathered at the expense of my erstwhile employers, I still get the jitters when I see a plane. I still need to shut my eyes and grab my seat and pray when the plane takes off...and I also let out an expletive at the pilot when he doesn't brake within 5 seconds of the plane landing. Also, the diet goes for a toss because you want to eat up everything they serve you on flight cause
a. You're cheap and think you've paid for it.
b. It helps you kill time on the scary flight and keeps your mind off the turbulence
c. You keep thinking the flight will crash any minute and you don't want to die on an empty stomach!

OSO
Got to see OSO in Pune. For those who've had the luxury of watching a movie from front row corner seats will know that it's not the best way to watch a movie you've been dying to watch. For starters, you see the entire movie through what seems to be a funny mirror. Everyone looks stretched or fat and highly distorted. So beautiful Deepika Padukone looks like a giraffe, Kiron Kher looks like she has 3 hips and SRK struts around with a 12 pack!! Liked the movie anyhow. I'm a sucker for slapstick and obvious jokes make me feel smart! Hmmmm....

Bridget Jones I'm not
And on the flight, I borrowed another chick flick novel from my colleague and while these books make for pleasurable reading, I no longer relate to them because
a. All stories revolve around women who are single and have some hot man falling in love with them. Don't remember the last time someone wrote about someone in a happy relationship
b. All stories are either about this "slightly large" woman like Bridget or these skinny model type executives. Now for the first kind, I look back longingly at my "slightly large" days and a "large pumpkin" is a more befitting description for me. And I don't feel like a smart executive cause feeling dumb is an understatement of what I actually feel at work!
c. Every female protagonist has a bunch of female friends and one gay friend who all fancy her prospective boyfriend. I have no gay friends and I'm not sure what I'd do around a gay friend in the first place! And I definitely don't want anyone fancying my boyfriend! Hmph!
d. They always have a smoking or drinking problem. Where have all the good girls gone??

Anyway, I've had enough of this nonsensical post so I'm going to go give my beautification another unsuccessful shot. The parlour lady beckons to tell me how much weight I've put on now....

Till then.....

The Theory of "Relative"ity

Are you seriously not sick of watching the Sawariya and Om Shanti Om ads? Aren't you sick of watching Ranbir Kapoor prancing about in a lousy towel while Sonam Kapoor is running around with a tent trailing behind her?And isn't SRK's dard-e-disco already giving you a dard-e-sar (read headache)?

Well whatever it is, winter in Delhi seems to have taken a leaf out of the whole teaser game and has been giving us a glimpse of herself since the past one month without actually settling in. That is, till yesterday when I started shivering and got under my blanket and snoozed off....only to be woken up at 8 and to be told that we have a family function to attend!!!

Now family functions are entertaining. You have all extended family, all their children and grandchildren and lots of chaos. The elders spend most the evening trying to showcase their illnesses and there is general joy in being the illest of them all. Most of the young girls flaunt their newly lost weight and spend their evening checking out every other girl who walks in. Most of the young guys.....I'm not sure what they do cause being a young girl I'm not usually allowed to partake in whatever conversations they like to have minus young girls. And the toddlers spend their time doing cartwheels right in the middle of the hall!

So yesterday we went off for a second cousin's daughter's.....errr....birth celebration?? And were engulfed by many ailing aunts with eye trouble and uncles with knee trouble!

Entertainment at such gatherings is never really a problem. Be it one of the aunts who would come up to my mum and says "Aapa, when you were complimenting my earrings, was I wearing one or two?" A much pleasurable treasure hunt followed

Or be it the aunt who refused to touch the Gulab Jamuns becauce they were too hot. Finally told her the gulab jamuns had cooled down and she had a go at it. And then when someone asked her how they were she says dismissively, "They're nice but they're not hot"!!! Try pleasing her huh!

Good byes at such gatherings also take ages to get over with. Sometimes when I'm in a hurry, the minute we're done with the hello's we start saying the good byes.....

Anyway, am completing this post from my office (my employer must love me) so before someone figures out I have this blog....adious amigos!

P for Shy

I have discovered that I'm shy..........I'll go take a walk round the park while you stop laughing
...
...
...
...

Ok. That should've been enough. So I'm shy. I've seen signs of it all my life now. All those stage shows I've never auditioned for cause I'm shy of facing the audience. The alternate theory is that I did act as the "ice cream man" in my class 2 play where I was traumatised by the whooping beard and mustache they drew on my face and that ended my acting career. Very creative dialogue mine was..."Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream for sale. Orange bar. Chocolate Ice. Softies for sale" I think that ended my singing career too

Sign 2 is how I'm shy of talking in public, ie, office meetings. I guess being stupid doesn't quite help this cause and my biggest fear is that people would discover this truth about me so I'm shy to expose it

Sign 3 is how 90% of the people who meet me for the first time think I'm a supreme snobbish bitch. Cause I'm too shy to make conversation with them. So yesterday I went to this card party and I swear I prayed, almost out loud, that some big vulture would swoop me up and fly me away...

What the hell is with me? I'm 27, educated, need to make presentations by way of profession and here I am all tongue tied in the middle of a party, stammering, stuttering and studying the marble flooring.....

So that just about establishes it. I'm shy. Cotton fills my mouth. Colour floods my cheeks. And my heart goes for a trip to Mars. But strangely all this falls to bits when I'm surrounded by my mad friends. Who have this catalysing effect on me and my mouth automatically opens up to let out a hard core punju-tam accent and I don't stop till someone grabs my neck and says "ENOUGH". And now my friends are all set to start visiting next month and I'm doing everything I can to get my vocal cords in shape. Ohhhhh I'm so excited!!! I love this time of the year! Come on over people! Time to grab a gab!

Oh and what's with the title?

The niece calls up yesterday and my mom decides to humour her...
"Nani, my friend is coming"
"Really? Who?"
"Tia"
"Mia??"
"Tia"
"Jia?"
"Tia Nani Tia Tia"
"Ria?"
"Tia! B for Bird. B for Tia"

Hence...P for pencil....P for shy....

Oh and since we're on the subject of the niece, today she saw the Ravans in the park and tells her mom "Oh look. There are 2 Rakhi Sawants". What made her think Ravan and Rakhi Sawant were the same thing I'm not sure but insightful little girl she huh?

I suck at poetry!

I thought I'd write a juicy post
On how I'm turning into a ghost
With no time to self but yet almost
I'm finding time for me to unload

But here I am staring at the screen
Getting no such words that mean
What I should post in this box so clean
Except that 6 day working sucks (what the hell if it doesn't rhyme! it's true!)

I never thought I'd see a day
When my blog would be in such dismay
That I can't write oh please do say
Is it just meant to be this way

So many things I want to write
On dirty loos and driving fights
On issues I'm waiting to ignite
On climbing up a 10 storey flight

Yet words fail me and I know not
What to call this disease I've got
Or is it my brain this job is making rot
That a post I cannot even give a shot

If you think this poem is a mock
It truly sucks and doesn't rock
Let me say I can't recover from this shock
That I my dears have a writer's block

Shucks!

Teething trouble

I cannot believe I've actually joined a company named after an insect!!!! So it's a start up. So I had nothing to do with the brand name. But when I heard the name, I kind of gagged and wished I were dead! DON'T ask me what it is. Just trust me that it's named after an insect (sob sob sob sob)

Problem no 2 of course is the physical proximity with the heavens above (read 10th floor). And it doesn't help when the guard confirms in the affirmitive that the lifts are known to break down and be stuck for hours.

Problem 3 is that I have no clue what a peepal tree looks like. So yesterday when I was looking for parking, I asked the attendant where my office parking was. His answer was next to the "peepal" tree. I turned around and saw like a forest of trees and couldn't distinguish one from the other. I pointed in some vague direction and said "That one?" "Peepal peepal". Not a people's person is he!!! Didn't want to do a bimbo act so didn't pursue the topic. Went ahead and asked the other attendant. "Next to the peepal tree". Now am googling peepal images!

Problem 4 is that my office hasn't given me a parking sticker. So if I even do manage parking it's costing me 100 bucks a day. So the entire salary jump basically benefits the government parking pockets and I'm still taking home the same money

Problem 5 is that the new office believes in a 6 day working though officially is a 5 day week. They fix up daily meetings at 6pm and start at a god forsaken 9am. If you know me, you'll know I'm not a morning person in the mornings and not an evening person in the evenings. Hence am grumpy through the day

But you know what....I'm just a big fat (and becoming fatter) crib so ignore my whining...... Had to let the steam out....

Shit! They're making me travel this weekend! :'(

The new office...

.......is on the 10th floor! Keeping with my previous post, the only thing that comes to mind is "Oh Shit!"

Will blog as soon as I find a way to beat the claustrophobia...........

PS- Anyone want to help me with parking in CP???