Friday, October 27, 2006

The longest 10 mins

Eid was announced rather abruptly on Tuesday…..was up till 3am dusting the house (it's like we had our very own sandstorm here ......and i came out looking like a poor santa who's wiggled his way through an unclean chimney!!!). Why it was so abruptly announced was because some idiot in Bihar saw the moon and some wierdo in Bangalore said he's seen the moon so we in Delhi are wondering where the f did the moon lose his way in showing up here!!!

Bro in law still trying to figure why, if eid is based on whether the moon is sighted or not, why the group of maulanas were sitting in a closed room figuring out where the moon is. Step outside you guys and you'll be able to spot it, or not spot it, in the sky! How tough is that!

Wonder what they talk about.....

"So the location of the moon sighted in Bihar is 24X358X226 and in Bangalore is 87X38X556 so given that logic Delhi would've also spotted the moon had we not wasted our time sitting in this closed room" Nah!

They're most probably saying "If we don't announce eid tomorrow we'll have to fast one more day. It's eid tomorrow. Amen!"

Ya so basically they announced it at midnight that it's eid on Tuesday. And lots of people came over. And there was this one point in the evening when I was screamed at for being a recluse and was asked to sit in with the guests who're coming in. So I politely walk into the room and seat myself in a corner.......experting the art of looking entertained by the conversation around me while revising my multiplication tables from class 2!! (Yes I was very bored!)

In the midst of the conversation my mum gets a call and she goes in, leaving me dumbstruck with these guests.

(Time starts now) I look at the floor, start playing with the bells attached to the end of my dupatta, smile at the couple and was glad to see them look as uncomfortable with me. The silence is killing.
Guest: So beta, what are you doing now?
Me: (After being asked this question for 3 years in a row without any change in my answer or expression): I’m working
Guest: Really? Same place?
Me: (Trying to figure out what he meant by that……a. The "really" meant I’m not capable of working? b. "Same place" had a touch of surprise .... Did they think I would be thrown out?) No, I switched jobs
Guest: (Surprise that someone has actually employed me after the mistake my first company made by employing me and pity at the new company) Where?
Guest: (Totally blank expression…) Huh?
Me: XYZ??
Guest: Err, what is that?
Me: We make ABC
Guest: (Sudden comprehension) Ohhhhhhhh (Makes a mental note to ever touch the product of the company again) So how are you liking it?
………..Now this is what I want to know! When people ask you, unless they’re your friends, how’s your work coming along, what do you tell them? Shit man! It sucks! I’d rather be a radio jockey but I’ve never seen the insides of a radio studio….. and the only reason I want to be a jockey is because I like music…I think…..Or Oh man, i luv my job. I luv thriving on consumer data and i luv SPSS ( who cares???)
Me: (After much debate in my head) Good uncle
Guest: Excellent (Ok looks like I can't possibly continue this topic anymore)
Silence. Mother is still on the phone. I'm thinking of what to count next.
Me: (Cannot understand what in the world my mum is discussing with whoever has called for so long yet feeling socially responsible for carrying on this conversation) So how are the boys? (Why oh why did I have to say boys? Why not kids? I had no clue of the sex of their children…….. just that they did have some…..Oh God, please let them be the couple with boys)
Guest: They’re well (What kind of an answer is well?)
Silence. I count the number of flowers in the vase, the number of loops in the telephone wire, the number of lines on my index finger!!!
Me: (One last attempt) So which class are they in now?
Guest: Bada wala class 12 mein hai
Me: Oh really? That’s really grown up
Guest: Blank expression returns: You just met him 6 months back. Remember you adviced him on colleges?
Me: (Time to drown myself) Err…I’ll just go see where my Mom is…….(End of 10 mins)

BTW, saw the video of london london bridge on VH1 has come a full circle.......this song just does not get off my back!!!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

My world this week

So much for my blog tagline being "I never shut up" when I actually shut up for some 2 weeks! No it's not coz I was recovering from the salsa's coz I was suffering from writer's block.....stop laughing you's a serious problem....... The way it works is this.... I have saved some 10 half written blogs and have just never had the patience to complete them..... So am making yet another attempt....and if you can see it, I was successful wasn't I duh!

So here the story of my life.....putting down 3 of the most relevent topics which have been blocking my mind this week!

Topic#1: The lack of money
I hate waking up to a message beep on Saturdays. No, don't get me wrong. I love receiving smses.....really do......but Saturday mornings means getting a Citibank Alert and the dismal state of my bank account sets my depressed mood for the weekend! And then I received my cellphone bill (I fainted and had to be woken up with the sms beep), my credit card bill (sending flowers to friends sure cheered them up but left me feeling very very poor) and then to top it all the indian postal system drops off mails which says sponsor food for the underfed in ethopia....... hello......I'm trying to sponsor an underfed Indian girl right here in India quite unsuccessfully! Give me a break please!!! I am surely living below poverty line with the kind of money I'm earning. Key take out: Does anyone know of anyone who will hire someone with zero skills yet pay her enough to pay off all bills? (PS am very worried that I spontaneously wrote a scary term like "key takeout"...... I've obviously been spending too much time at office.......which is seriously hazardous to my well being!) I need a well paying job people!

Topic#2: My weight problem
When I turned 25 last yr, people said it's all downhill from here. Well they were wrong weren't they. It's been going uphill on the weight front at geometrical progression ever since. Some sweet friends even tell me "Hey if this size doesn't fit you, you can exchange it for a larger one....after all you're a growing girl"....... and it's a large size she's gifted me anyway! I will not exchange it no matter what coz a. I'm v optimistic. I think someday I will lose weight (Just to paint a clearer picture I have 3 drawers full of undersized clothes I no longer fit into but like to believe I will fit into them someday) and b. coz my ego doesn't allow me to ask for a larger size to a large! So even if my lungs file a petition demanding some air, i will not exchange that kurti!!!! It's royally hanging in the closet...will soon to moved to one of the drawers

Topic#3: Stupid radio channels
This is like complete nonsense! Finally there was this one channel which was playing good, not ok, not decent but GOOD english music and even that switches to bhangra and the likes! As it is we were getting more than enough doses of "my london london bridge wanna go down" (why must she announce it 50 times a day I don't understand) and now we have another one of those. Jeez!!! So there goes the back to 102.6

Ok 3 completely unrelated topics but I had to let the steam out!! Now I'll have some mind space to write about less mundane matters like rakhi sawant and the sad state of affairs of my social life (No the two are not related..they're just less mundance issues! Get a life!)

Till then......

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Saroj Khan Ki Seeti

If you're very page 3 types then you won't know what the title is supposed to mean but if you're a TV addict like me and watch nach baliye you'd know what i'm talking about all right!

So it all started like this. Thanks to dark discos and drunk friends around, i began thinking i'm a pro at dancing. I mean, all i used to do was jiggle my butt and move my head to the beat and that somehow made me feel like i'm born to dance!

So i decided to enter the world of salsa. And it was really tough to join it in the first place anyway. You see i'm no slim and trim hot looking girl the guys in class would fall all over to dance with. So the thought of the instructor calling out "pair up" and me standing in one corner hoping someone would accept me as their partner scared the daylights out of me! And so began my quest for Mr dance partner! And I started asking all and sundry… “Errrr, do you want to learn salsa with me?” "Hey you look like you've done salsa. No? Well do you want to learn it with me?" I would even go up to the extent of lying to some of my most ungraceful friends and gush “Wow! You’re a super dancer! Do you want to join salsa with me?” The last straw i think was when I met my friend’s brother for the first time and said “Hey I’m Zarreen. Do you want to join salsa with me?” “Er, didi, I have my board exams this year. Maybe next yr” Never seen him since!

So one fine day i gave up and my friend and i are sitting around discussing our useless jobs (jobs per se may be fine but we both want to marry someone filthy rich and live off their money and would never like to work again) and he suddenly says “hey I’m really bored in life. Do you want to join salsa?” Could not stop smiling!

So us studly salsa dancers walked into class………class being literally a class!!! The dance classes aren't held in a studio, they were held in the class 6 classroom of one the schools here, no mirrors, no air conditioners and the works of a scary room to be in......including a blackboard and a bulletin board with the time table. Makings of the start of a nightmare for anyone

So 2 months into the thing and every single myth about me being this awesome dancer vanishes. My partner of course becomes the star performer and is at the receiving end of a lot of instructor attention (coz he's so good) and i'm the end of a lot of sighs and groans when we dance

You see the system is like this. You stand in a circle, complete the 2 mins step and change partners. And the expressions on people's faces are amazing. They'll be all perked up and dancing happily and as soon as i reach them, there's this sudden dead pan expression. The nicer ones smile and say hello and then look away pretending to help out a retard and the nasty onces keep screaming that you're stepping on their toe.

Unfortunately there's this bit when you have to dance with the instructor. And my instructor after 4 months of trying very hard gave up on me, quite fairly i admit. Now when it's my turn to dance with him, he just rolls his eyes, tries to make me twirl and i usually lose balance and go flying across the room. "Smaller steps! Smaller steps!" Dammit! Dancing with him is the worst part of my class...... i palpitate. I am so nervous i could eat my arm or cry and it's like the world has stopped dancing and all eyes are on me........ a living nightmare of 2.5 mins in a 1 hr class!

And the instructor's "good" is like saroj khan ki seeti. The person he says it to is elated for days if not weeks at the end.........and it's the hot topic of discussion after class. "He said good" "He said i was dancing well" and I'd share anecdotes of "Er, he said you're going all over the floor. You'll never have so much place to dance. Smaller steps smaller steps"

So anyway, finally last class, i started off in the circle and when i reached the instructor i broke my shoe! Ouch! He took a deep breath like he always did at my sight and i started dancin barefoot with my eyes shut. And when i opened my eyes he gave me a big thumbs up and a big grin. "Wonderful! Excellent! Oh I'm so happy" And i pranced about and he passed me on to my next partner with a big smile and i went leaping across the room!

Yup, I too got saroj khan ki seeti! :) And guess who's dancing barefoot everytime now! :)

Ok dunno why i blogged on that but i'm still high on finally being able to salsa!!!!