Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Shakespeare.....Take a Hike!

The thought was triggered off by Nutty who said she wanted to be a writer. I'm thinking, most people who blog now must've aspired to become writers huh? Well at least I did when I was a kid. Unfortunately in hindsight, I'm glad no publisher came upon my manuscripts else I would've been banned from the literary world for life!!

It is quite fun reading through those registers and registers of stories though! There are some common threads.

*Each one starts off with a lot of passion....and usually ends in some bland, useless ending for the heck of ending it....and in a different ink from the one it had started off in.

*It has the most innovative names of characters. I must confess that some of them sound like spells from JK Rowling creations. Hmmm....maybe I should charge some royalty

*And they have arbit drawings of box shaped women in red mini skirts! (I think it's an expression of aspiration...I'm sure I wanted to wear one all my life....and then was blessed by this awesomely gigantic box shaped figure which can't sport a skirt- mini or long!)

Anyway, got me thinking if I were to write some books now, these are the titles they would bear

- How to find the slowest lane in peak hour and non peak hour traffic

- 101 reasons why Monday is not a good day to start a diet (Also available in the same series- Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and definitely not Sunday!)

- Do Good Onto Others- By ensuring every time you open your mouth, it's only to make others look brighter in comparison

- Relatives and Where to Lose Them

- 20,000 People to avoid when at Marriageable age

- Who Moved my Remote Control

- Exercising the Right to Not exercise

- Chocolate- A Users guide to happiness....and Flab

- What Women Want- The one word summary of which reads, "Everything"

Try not to get killed in the stampede to get a copy of my books!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Tale of a Tormented Tummy

(Warning: If this post strikes you as being unfunny...let me tell you...there's nothing funny about being on a diet!!!)

You never know how much people eat around you till you're forbidden to eat it yourself. Quite like you never know how many couples there are till you're single. Or how clean everyone's cars are till yours is unwashed. Or how clean everyone else's arms are till yours are unwaxed!!!

Getting back to the first bit, the diet which lasted one full week was the toughest time of my life. Tougher than fasting when you know you can have a go at anything you like at the end of the day. The visions of salad and onion soup have scarred me for life!!

Add to this that I was invited to Radisson the other day for free coffee (and awesome munchies) and all I had was a glass of watermelon juice!!! Saying no to free food was a blow to the tummy..... It growled in protest!

My friend was over the other day and was talking about his wedding when he said "When I send you my wedding card, I'll just write Zee + 1. Oh wait...that'll mean you only...hahahahahaha!" For a tiny second I did take offence to that and swore to continue the diet. Till of course friend two, rechristened devil in disguise, brought chocolate mousse (free again!) and placed it under my nose. So no, didn't break the diet then but did decide to have a go at it 2 days hence!

Food deprivation also made me crack this joke with Beanpole yesterday
-Why must you never trust an unfit person
- Because he's not fit as a fiddle
Get it? Not fit --> Not fiddle -->In-fiddle-->In-fidel -->Non trustworthy....DUH!!

Beanpole made me promise I wouldn't even mention that he was the unfortunate one to hear this joke first. I break that promise cause even on a full tummy, I find it damn funny! The boy's reaction was "So who bore the brunt of this?" Tsk tsk!

That reminds me, the boy was here couple of weeks ago (yipieeeeeeee) and will be back next month again (yip yip yipeeeeee) and we were passing past Priya complex. Priya complex, for the unitiated, is Delhi's fashion house...it's actually just a movie hall place where women come dressed as if they're going to star in the movie rather than just sit through it! So the boy is humming something and I just turn to look at him and he says "I wasn't even looking at her you liar!" Aha!!! He's still trying to come up with a story to cover up that one!!!

Anyway, am off the diet now...for a few days...till I muster up the courage to give up chocolates and chicken again.....maybe now the sense of humour will return.....sighhhhhhhhhhhh

PS- This blog is a Must Read. Really funny!

Saturday, August 04, 2007


Fatty Zee sat on a chair
Fatty Zee in deep despair
The Chair sunk down
It dug the ground
Fatty Zee got a dirty glare

The above is not a story. It's true. Today I was sitting outside at CCD and during the course of the half an hour there I could feel myself sinking lower and lower into the ground. First I blamed it my bad posture. Then I thought it was a broken chair. Then I realised my weight had pushed the chair so deep into the earth that there was a hole enough for a family of snakes to seep out at the same time!!! The idea of seeing snakes appear was not a pleasant one so I came back home.

Then my mom turned up with a picture of some "eligible muslim boy". She just doesn't give up!. And since I don't either, I turned him down saying he's fat. She gave me the look to say you aren't a toothpick either you know. Then returned 10 mins wearing her glasses and said "If I put on my specs, he doesn't look fat anymore". You have to give it to her. She doesn't give up without a fight!

Thankfully the niece is over and she's been distracting my mom so I didn't hear of it again. The niece goes
"Nani, I'm getting a dog. A Daschund"
"Really? What will you name him?"
"He already has a name. Daschund"

Anyway, the exercise cycle will be used tomorrow. It was taken out last week and after getting an asthma attack thanks to the dust that had settled on it, I did put it to use for fifteen mins. Unfortunately, I felt nothing in those 15 mins. I think I cycled at the speed of 10, read the paper, hummed a song and got a few droplets of sweat at the nape of my neck. The net take out was to place the cycle right under the fan the next time....which of course hasn't happened since.

My anthem on weekends has been to go on a diet starting Monday and since today is the weekend I vow so again. Bring on the boiled veggies I say