The Hazards of Ordering a Movie

Just called up the movie rental guy and said "Bhaiyya, Aapke paas life partner hai?"

Hmm...I hope he doesn't think I'm hitting on him!

Illiterate

So have just got out of a branding workshop….feeling rather disillusioned and silly.

We had a pre assignment to write a synopsis of stories that have inspired us- books we’ve read or movies we’ve seen. And here are some of the stories people played back- Fountainhead, Mahabharata, Gladiator and the Notebook. And here’s a confession. I haven’ read/seen any! (I have seen Mahabharata on TV though…but nothing anyone was talking about sounded familiar).

We also discussed James Bond and Romeo and Juliet. And guess what. I haven’t ever seen a James Bond movie and didn’t know Romeo died before Juliet did. (Seriously, how did that happen?)

My story summary was about ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’! I couldn’t think of any other that has left a lasting impact on my mind. Thankfully I wasn’t called on to narrate what I’d written. It started with “Arthur is this loser-like English man….” quite contrary to the other stories that started with “This is a story about bravery and courage!” Am I intellectually challenged?

The answer is yes. Here’s a piece to prove it!

The conference is taking place at a five star hotel. And here’s my second confession- I don’t remember the last time I stayed in one! Oh wait! I do remember. Never!

So I of course know what a swipe card key is. Except that I’m unable to swipe despite 3 attempts. My exasperated boss who wants to leave her luggage in my room helps. Then I don’t know how to take a plate out of some glass closet in the dining hall. And to top it all, apparently the locks in the loos are so fancy that I don’t know which way to turn them. My boss almost walked in. I was so embarrassed I was planning to spend the rest of my life inside the loo after that incident!

Having embarrassed myself enough for the day, have returned to my room and can safely say I spent the first 10 mins in pitch darkness- not out of choice. But decause in such a savvy hotel I expected to fit my card in some fancy slot to turn on the electricity….but they still have switches to do the needful. Ah!

Now I know what Tarzan felt like when he went to the city….

It's pouring!

And I'm sitting in my office with mixed feelings....one of complete joy- I love the rains! And two because there'll be a massive jam on the roads.....and it's a long drive home...sigh....

Looking out of the office windows now....there are two women walking on the terrace of their homes getting drenched....I wish I were them....and didn't have to work on this goddamn ppt!

Goodness!

For some random reason there's a sign on the wall of our office loo that reads "Plz don't touch it".

Please don't leave scandalous comments!

Who am I!

Like seriously, does nobody know me????

In one of those randomly boring days, I decided to create a Facebook quiz- How well do you know Zee? 19 of my friends took it. And the average score was like some 14%!!!! Including my boyfriend's! Which means only 1 correct answer out of 7!! That sucks!

And so this blog to tell you a bit of what you need to know to really know Zee!

1. At a party, what would I definitely be doing?
- Yapping away
- Piggin out
- Worrying about who's dropping me home
So my blog is 'Keep Talking' but I'm a very shy person ok! I don't yap away all evening. Or at least that's how I see it. And while pigging out is definitely a part of my personality, I wouldn't start the quiz with my food-a-holic-ism. (What a word!) I'm just worrying about how to get home! I swear get nightmares about this. That I'm out and it's 4am and I'm panicking that my mum is going to throw me out of the house. This is a serious issue. Hope all you home droppers appreciate it!

2. What would I secretly like to be for a day?
- Witch
- Traffic Policeman
- Lead actress in a K serial
Correct answer: A witch! I want to have the ability to be able to make people fly out of their cars if they overtake me, to trip people who're pissing me off and to turn off the air conditioning without getting up (yes, I don't have a fancy remote control AC as you may have noticed).
Most of my friends thought I'd like to be a lead actress in a K serial. Correction. I want to write a K serial, not act in it.

3. What did I want to be when I was little?
- Teacher
- Doctor
- Too lazy to do anything
Correct answer- doctor. I have this uncle who I adored as a child and wanted to be just like him.... minus the mustache. And he was a doctor. So there...

The only thing most people got right was the fact that my favourite part of the day is the evening snack! And they didn't know my favourite cuisine was continental!!

Can someone please pay closer attention to me?!!!!

Presence of Mind?

Someone did a tag cloud for my blog and the topic on which I write most frequently turned out to be- My Car! Which could be true cause I spend a good 2 hours in my car everyday.......

Anyway, keeping this short and sweet.

Everyday, I come across at least one person on the road who totally pisses me off. And yesterday was the same. I wanted to turn right and there was a car full of men who wanted to go straight but were in the wrong lane. And decided since it was a girl (yes I'm still a girl, not a woman and I intend to address myself that way for a long, long time to come), they laughed at me and went straight and had the audacity to turn back and give me a nice, big grin.

My anger came shooting up. My face was red, my lips were pursed and a perfectly menacing scowl was on my face. That was it! I was going to show them my middle finger! I lift my hand, abuse under my breath and lift my finger.......and then realise it's the wrong finger....the thumb.....I was giving that bunch of chauvanists a thumbs up sign!!!!!!!

There is a serious coordination issue with the hand and the brain.

Hence Proven. I'm slow!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the longest weekend ever since I joined this company.....a full 3 days off!!!! You have no idea what that means cause you're not the one who works alternate saturdays.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drive.....

I love to drive. (Contrary to what my friends believe cause I'm forever asking them to fetch me!). I love my mornings drive to work everyday. I love swearing at everyone on the road. I love talking to people in the cars next to me knowing they can't hear me. (While most of my comments are on their driving skills, I must confess I do often also comment on their hair and their clothes and even ask questions like 'What did you have for breakfast boss'...all without them knowing of course!). I love listening to music. I love getting behind the wheel after a long holiday. The feeling is very liberating....the fact that you can get yourself to wherever you want to go. Having said this, I have the worst parking skills in the world, my car gets a new scratch every month and I don't have any aspirations of driving a Merc....In fact, I can't drive anything but my Santro!

So day before yesterday I was on my way to work as usual taking the Delhi-Gurgaon Highway. The office is 6 flyovers away. The office is 6 high speed flyovers away.

The traffic was smooth. Many offices were shut. The morning was lazy. I was done with 2 flyovers and on my way to the 3rd. A thought. What if I were to ever have an accident? Thought over.

I start my ascent on the 3rd flyover. Speed 70. (The limit is 90 so you can imagine the speed of the traffic). Am in the middle lane. There's a car parked on the left side of the bridge.

Suddenly a bike bangs into the car. Cannot see the man who was on the bike but his bike comes flying and lands up right in front of my car. I have a choice. Drive over the bike. Or swerve the car. I don't decide. I'm frozen. I'm on autopilot.

I swerve to the right. And then swerve to the left. And the car swerves to the right again....like a life of its own. I know my foot's on the brake. I know I'm holding the steering wheel with all my strength. I can hear screeching sounds. And they're coming from my car. I can feel the world spinning. I can see the road coming at me. I need to stop before I hit the divider. And inches away from the divider, I stop.

It's not over. I now realise I'm perpendicular to the traffic. And there are fast moving cars coming right at me. The only thing I can now do is raise my hand and hope it all stops. And it does....

I don't know if my car did a 360 spin. I don't know how I managed to stop. I don't even know if the traffic had stopped for me or for the bike. But I do know that my knees felt like jelly and I knew I had to have the courage to move on. Someone signals me to keep driving. I reverse. Get the car back straight. And move on. Like my near death experience didn't happen.

I wish I'd stopped and seen what happened to that man. I wish I'd helped. But all these thoughts came 15 mins later when I was in the safety of my office parking. Till then I was just completely numb....driving on complete autopilot....

The Joys of Meeting GG

And no I don’t mean GGG (my giggly girl gang) but just GG….

So the world’s becoming smaller…..or am I becoming bigger? Whatever….the world’s becoming smaller because suddenly now everyone knows everyone else! And my pile on abilities which I like to disguise as being friendly and social has enabled me to hang out with Tina’s friends when he isn't even in the same city! (Yes yes, Tina is a he. It's his favourite nick name! :) )

So in any case GG was coming to town and it was almost like Santa Claus was coming to town (minus the presents though….hmph hmph…hint hint!)...so we all decide to meet at TGIF. The reason we chose TGIF was because Sick had the world’s ugliest bruise on his knee and wanted to wear shorts so that no one missed out seeing it (the kindly soul!). He also had a blue cast on the other leg which AJ found very intriguing cause she didn’t know it came in colours other than white! She wanted a pink one for herself.

Flashback to how Sick managed to do this to self.

Feb ’09. A bunch of 13 people used collective creativity to cook up stories to tell their bosses why they wouldn’t be working for the next couple of days and took off to Goa. The agenda: three items missing from their last trip to Goa. Water sports. Trekking. Hiring scootys. And of course prawns and alcohol and beach and alcohol and alcohol and alcohol...

10 very adventurous people decided to get onto the banana ride, the water scooter, parasailing. 3 of us decided we didn’t like the way our skin looked so got ourselves a free sunburn. Actually, the beachbeds on which we plonked for the sunburns cost us 100 bucks so they weren’t really free......... I braved onto a water scooter ride finally. I’d like to believe it was me being brave and not me being cheap cause Aye wanted to give up the last ride but hey we’d already paid 200 bucks for it and I couldn't possibly waste it! So there I was on the scooter, smiling bravely at M, then turning to look at the sea, panicking, remembering I couldn’t swim, thinking of the various sharks which would bite my leg off and suddenly it accelerated straight into the sea! Exactly 5 seconds later I was screaming “Bhaiya! Scared! Back back back back!”

Trekking was fun. My heart was very excited to get some exercise at last and boomed its way till my breath ran out and my legs felt like jelly. Madan (the same one who insists I was a maharani in my previous life - what a great guy!) said he wanted to climb every hill in sight! So he did sound a bit like someone from Sound of Music but what the hell! That was when Sick tumbled down and sprained his ankle. Hence the cast.

Scootys were hired. M confidently decided to let me sit behind him and only when I’d started enjoying the ride he said….I’ve only ridden this twice before!!!! I would’ve spent more time panicking but then saw Kur who had obviously never ridden a scooty before! For someone who drives a car everyday, he forgot a lot of basics that day! Like U turn does not mean going straight. Like brakes are a good thing to use instead of banging into other scootys. Like giving way to the traffic if it’s honking and you're leading a host of SUVs cause you don't know how to stop on the side.
The other person who’d never ridden a scooty was Sick so he fell and bruised his knee.

Back to TGIF.

So here we were a bunch of 28 year olds happily chattering away of school days and college days when we were young and life was happy when suddenly we got tempted by the idea of a free happy birthday TGIF cake! At 28, one isn’t very excited about one’s birthday yet the idea of a free cake…….hmmmmmmmmm. AJ decided it was her birthday. We arm twisted the waiters into bringing us a free cake. They avoided us like the plague. We made loud birthday conversation everytime they passed by. And they waited for the entire crowd to leave before they got us some leftovers. We wiped the plate clean.

Then we bade GG tearful good byes and he called us crazy drunk people and left.

Ah the little joys in life!

The Joke's on.....me....again!

There's a terrible storm brewing. Zee steps out in the balcony to bring in the clothes. The dust and wind is blinding her. Thank god for all her weight she doesn't fly off with the clothes.

The construction next door is making funny sounds. The sheets are flapping away. Everything seems to be flying off. No sympathies from Zee. The construction hasn't let her sleep with the loud drill noises. The machines churning cement day in and day out. The constantly parked trucks outside her gate making her test her driving skills everyday trying to get the car out of the driveway!

Another loud flap flap and a thud thud and a bonk bonk.

Good god, she thinks. The building seems to be falling apart. *snicker snicker*

Gleefully she walked in and heard about it.

The building was falling apart all right. Right on top of her car!

Sigh.....I hate these stupid constructions! The roof's caved in and my little santro looks like a squashed potato! Arrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a boy!

The first of the giggly girls has become a mommy this morning! Congratulations Al Dude and Dudette!

The Most Expensive Jam Ever!

Have you ever had a jam worth Rs 3,000? Well, you're lucky. Cause I will be doing that soon!


How a 30 buck jam became a 3K one is a story so not worth telling. But to put it briefly, here I was carrying guava jelly jam in my handbag and the security at the airport asked me to take it out. With a sinking heart I pulled the jam out and was then told that this supreme sacrifice was not needed and I could just check my bag in. Silly me!


With a skip in my step I went back to the counter and checked it all in, including having a fragile sticker put on it and ran back to the security...only to be told my flight had taken off without me!!


What's more is that I was told the next flight out of Chennai was 7 hours later but since I'm creating such a scene I could buy myself a ticket on Indian Airlines for only 3K extra! And so I paid 3K for a bottle of jam!


Yes, I received many calls when I returned to Delhi most of which went...- hahahahahaha! You and your love for food!

But the larger question remains.....WHY ME??????????????????????

Matlab ki....all and sundry!

Before I start, since this is the first post for the year- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
Ok Fine. So a bit late. But it's still Jan so it counts ok!

And now for all the junk! :D :D

Well to start with, I got this great haircut! A hundred people stopped me in the office corridors to say "Hey Zee. Nice haircut!".
I hadn't even finished basking in the glory when the hairwash happened and off came the blow dry!
"Oh my God Zee! What happened to your hair?"
Or worse.
"OH MY GOD! What have you done?"
Yes for some reason people believe I do these things to myself! I like to look like fluffy cat! Hmph!
*************

Have you noticed how integral Facebook has become to our lives?

It's no longer "Smile for the camera". It's "Smile for Facebook"

Everytime you look at a picture you evaluate it. Is this worth making my facebook profile picture? Is this ok for my aunt in Timbuktoo to see?

A significant part of your life is also being spent in palpitating about a childhood picture your schoolmate could tag you on and the world would know what a vague looking child you were!

And of course there's the small world phenomena. "Hey I know you. Aren't you A's friend? I've seen you on his list. I'm A's friend's girlfriend's friend's fiance. What a small world I tell you!"

But of course now nobody says good bye. They say- Are you on Facebook? And that's pretty cool actually! :)
*********

I hate socialising! Period.
*********

Me to the 4 yr old niece
"What's up?"
"Nothing."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know what that means!"
*********************

Squeeky shoes suck! My nice brown shoes are warm and comfortable but I end up trying to tip toe through the day in office and even the tip toeing makes this horrible squeeky sound. Aaaaarghhhhh!

I can also see thought bubbles going up in office. "God! The heels are really revolting under all her weight!" (Now come on! You didn't think I could start the year without cribbing about my weight?)

And now an ode to my Squeeky shoes!
Squeeky shoes squeeky shoes
Why am I wearing you
Squeeky shoes Squeeky shoes
It's all your fault!
(PS 'squeeky' is a bloody tough word to type!)
*************

I've decided to write a book. Not for publishing and stuff but as a family heirloom....errr heirbook! The only issue is I've started about four of them but they're all in my head!
*************

And with that, I'm out. Farhan Akhtar is on air....and in my heart.....sigh!

Quite the Cooker I am!

Now a lot of factors drove me to cooking. There was mum who constantly pestered me to learn to cook so that I can be self sufficient. There were horrified friends who became horrified when they learnt I cannot make an omelet. There was S who told me to check out her blog for pics of what she's made post baking classes....(fancy twisty dinner rolls, chocolate chip cookies, cakes, the works...). And then there was this terrible urge for honey chilli potatoes one evening when I got home for work.

You see, I love honey chilli potatoes. I cannot get enough of them. Right from the ones at Red Hot Cafe which are all honey, no chilli to Golden Dragon which are so hard you have to sacrifice a tooth every time you bite them......but if I'm having Chinese I have to start it off with honey chilli potatoes! I've caused enough embarrassment to some friends when we're out "fine dining" and everyone is ordering prawn ala la-di-da and crispy spinach ta-lu-ta-da and I promptly ask for my honey chilli potatoes total aka saki ishtyle!

Having given you that valuable insight about me, here I was craving for the potatoes and was too lazy to get out or order in. So I take the recipe from my sister and get working in the kitchen.

The first thing I learnt was that potatoes are just dug out from the farms and sold to innocent consumers without washing or processing them first! I had no idea there was so much mud around each potato. It's like they've all battled a sandstorm before making their way to Mum's vegetable basket!

The second thing I learnt was how disgusting the term potato "eye" is! I mean call it potato holes, potato depression but why call it the eye? It feels quite disgusting just saying it- I'm scooping out the potato eyes! Grosssssssssss!

The third thing I learnt is that a lot of plates, saucers, pans, cups are needed to get any cooking done. There was a pile of dishes crying for attention and the maid was away too....sigh.....

The fourth thing I learnt was that honey chilli potatoes needs chilli which is something I remembered just before I was going to scoop the dish out in serving bowls. The result were slightly overcooked/burnt potatoes.

The fifth and the final thing I learnt was never trust an expert's time estimate when you're setting out to do this yourself. My sister said it would be ready in half an hour. I took 45 mins just to peel the goddamn potatoes, 20 mins to cut the other ingredients, 30 mins to fry the potatoes and 30 mins to get the salt-honey-chilli combination right!!!!

But post that, I'm all set for a career in the food business! I'm going to start my own honey chilli potatoes and tea joint since those are the only things I can make. I would've liked to add roti to that list but the one time I did make them, they were so elastic my jaw started to hurt and I slept off hungry (and that's saying a lot!)

Make way for the new chef on the block! Or as someone recently put it....make way for the new cooker on the block!

Bombay

Cannot believe the horror in Bombay.
Cannot believe how unaffected some people were in office.
Cannot believe how no radio channel carries news.
Felt unreal to be discussing marketing when there was a war going on.
So relieved that all my friends and family safe.
So horrifying to know many of us can't say that.
So proud of the NSG, the army, the police.
Cannot believe the insensitivity of some news channel to air ads. So completely out of place.
Hats off to journalists who risked their lives and who possibly risk their lives everyday to bring us news.
Cannot believe how anyone can be so cruel.
Hope no one ever faces that horror- of being held hostage, of waiting for someone to get out alive....
It's all so real.....

Scary Hairy

Disclaimer: Gross Blog ahead! Proceed at own risk!

Today I read the newspaper. And of course that is an event in itself as I read the newspaper once in 6 months but the actual reason for blogging this is to say how I read the newspaper. I read it while I was driving....while the person in the backseat of the car in front of me was reading it! This shows two things. One I have great eyesight! (Clap clap clap clap!) And two, that the traffic if one leaves home post 9 is supersonically slow! (Can I use a phrase like that? Supersonically slow? Isn't supersonic = fast?). Well whatever. I thought it was a cool thing to blog about and so I am!

This was obviously not the gross bit of the blog. That starts here....

A lot's been going on this month. A wild rush of friends and family in the festive season, my cousins pouring in from London, my aunt here for a week......in all these things the one thing I've completely not found the time for is..........(Warning! People belonging to the male gender stop NOW!) .............. is the time to go beautify self in the parlour! Now that I've started I might as well tell you the entire story. My regular parlour had my favourite parlour ladies who would tell me all about their children and their hometowns and want to know everything that's happening in my life. Then one fine day the parlour shut down! And I had to move to this prim and proper upmarket one with a lot of fancy parlour ladies who obviously think I'm some Martian or something cause they keep recommending I do something to my face, my hair, my life......One of them even said "Sar pe toh baal hain nahin haath pe hain!" Hmph hmph!

Anyway, back to current situation. My laziness coupled with hectic social schedule has quite resulted in a mini rainforest growing on my arms! Initially I was happily trotting around with this horror sight and ignored my image in the mirror. But when I saw people hold their breath when they caught a glimpse of my arms (not very descretely hidden in my half sleeves!!!) and when I saw little thought bubbles popping up over their heads which went something like "oh my god- what is she thinking!" .....that's when I realised it's really a national calamity! In fact, I went for a client meeting today and I don't think that deal's coming for this very reason! Ok so I exaggerate.......or do I?

You really become very conscious of your looks when you know something is wrong. I for one have been hiding my arms behind my back everytime I'm talking to someone at close quarters...and this is happening subconsciously mind you! And when I meet strangers I keep thinking no matter what smart stuff I'll say, they'll think who's this tacky person and never take me seriously.

Looks really go to define a person huh! I remember this episode someone narrated to me when she was hanging out with a bunch of her friends and came across this hot guy. They were in their school days and so randomly went up to him and asked him for some directions. The smart looking guy turns around and says "I don't idea"!!!!! Oh well.....

I have to go now because this blog is blurring and I can't make out what the hell I'm ranting away about at 12:30 in the morning. At my age, this really is the wee hours you know!

But before I go....to all the menfolk who decided to continue reading :P

Jerusalem Bells are Ringing...Roman Cavalry Choirs are Singing

Have fallen in love with Coldplay's Viva La Vida! Have been listening to it all day on loop!!!! How long has this song been around and why didn't I spot it earlier? I love 102.6 FM for introducing it to me! Muah!

PS- the video is a bit arbit!

Fat or Fiction?.............Fat!!!

The only way I could've returned to blogging would've been thanks to my fat. So it's back with a vengance!!! And this time it's coupled with age! Wowie!!!!!! Lucky me!

Let me start by refreshing your memory of that bright and chirpy morning a few months back when the sun was out and the birds were twittering and I was driving to office. I'd decided to fill petrol that morning and the woman at the station called me ........Aunty! The sun hid its face behind dark, gloomy clouds, the birds flew away in shock and 15 more strands of grey hair immediately plopped out of my scalp! It took me many months to recover from that.

A 115 chocolates later, night before last, we were attending Shool's cocktails. We came across a gentleman who deals in ships. Unable to make any intelligent conversation with him, we started downing wine like nobody's business only to end the conversation with the boy blurting out- "So since you're in the shipping industry, do you know how to swim?". Not quite expecting this, the gentleman took our leave never to see us again. We would've felt rather insulted by this avoidance but having had an entire wineyard by now, we decided to trot off to Turquoise Cottage.

Dressed in ethnic suits full with dupattas draped around us and suit clad boys by our side, we tried to blend in with the jeans, tank top crowd! Only to find the bar closing a few minutes after we'd arrived. How chic are we!

So out we walked and stood outside the complex bidding our good byes when this car came haltingly to the group next to ours. Obviously drunk youth were having a bit of fun...or eve teasing or something. Then they pulled up to us and this guy calls out "Let it be yaar. Yeh toh Family hai!". There was stunned silence followed by hurt laughter. Why oh why had we started looking like such Uncles and Aunties that we didn't get......errr....eve teased? Or whatever!

Now that was the age story. Let's move on to the fat story!

I decided to finally drag myself for a haircut. The last one I had was 6 months ago and my hair hasn't grown more than 2 inches. Not only that, it is now greying and falling like Hansel and Gretal dropped crumbles on the way. You know Zee's been here because she's left a handful of hair on the chair. You know Zee's hugged you because she's left a hundred locks on your shirt. Uncle Sam gets a new wig thanks to the hair Zee left behind on her pillow this morning! You get the picture.....But still a haircut was much needed!

So I trace out my hairdresser and I'm sitting in the chair in front of what looks like a funny mirror given how fat was pouring out of me!
"Hello Ma'am. What do you want to get done?"
"Anything actually. But not too short. I've become fat." Better to say it yourself than people pointing it out!
"Become fat or becoming fat?" He's almost about to congratulate me for some reason. Looks at me expectantly to say something.
"Err...no. I've become fat. Hopefully not becoming fatter" Puzzle puzzle....
And then the dimbulb lightens up! He thought I'm pregnant! Like OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it!!! I need to do something about myself....about my life....about my hair...about my clothes....about getting a new hairdresser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS- For whoever sees Shool's wedding pictures, the camera adds 20 pounds ok!

Tagged

Hmmm....just turned to flick my hair and found a gigantic tag sticking out of the new shirt I'm wearing. People must think I'm mad.....have been galavanting around the office for over 4 hrs like this!

Since these embarrassing things are happening to me again, looks like blogging beckons me back!

Blogging....Dead

Just not a blogger anymore........

And not happy about it! :( :(