Encore Vagueness

Some people get a chance to go to all these glamourous places, in glamourous airlines, in glamourous suits, stay in glamourous 5 star hotels and generally lead a glamourous life. However, mere mortals like me travel economy, plead with people to put me up in their homes, come out of the aircraft with disheveled hair as if I’ve never traveled in a plane before and so don’t quite seem to be living the glamourous life! Logically, if I’m the one roughing it out more, shouldn’t I be the one earning the more money? Reason fails me……

After another bout of travel where the pilot announced the outside temperature is minus 55 degrees in the sky…. (I mean what is the point of the statement I don’t understand! Am I supposed to feel safe? Cause I definitely don’t…I keep thinking if I have to jump out of the aircraft I’ll reach the earth as an ice lolly!) ….here I am back in office in no mood to work and after taking multiple self awareness quizzes on facebook, I thought I might as well do some writing. Now the question is…on what…

The easiest topic of course which I can rant on about is the whole marriage season and how friends continue to fall prey and my mum continues to provide the background score of “you-are-still-my-responsibility” kind of music (yep…face the music types) but I’ve already blogged about it in the past so let me stay away from it

The other topic that comes to mind is about waking up every morning to a chorus of “you have no time for me” from the family members cause I’ve spent my Saturday working (ya like I enjoyed it or something) and plan to spend my Sunday with friends from out of town. But let me not recount the you’re-the-useless-sibling thing since I’m still recovering from it

The third thing I can talk about is the biting winters which seem to be setting in and how it kills me to get out of the blanket in the morning and head out to work. It doesn’t help when they shift the goddamn office parking to the middle of CP and you have a whooping 10 min walk from the parking to the office and being the sportswoman I am, it takes a lot of huffing and puffing to make it before the boss spots your tardiness and you lose precious crumb points (the brownie points were lost long ago…it’s the crumbs that keep us going now).

And as much as I love the winters cause the lizards hibernate and everything is misty and romantic and Christmas and New yrs plans take up most of your mindspace, I also abhor it when you step out in flimsy sarees as it’s uncool to sport a shawl at the various weddings one is attending……… which takes us back to topic 1 …..and since I am attending those multiple weddings I’m unable to spend time at home ……..which takes me to topic 2 …..and since life has now successfully come a full circle, let me go back to doing some of those facebook quizzes!!!

It's about NOTHING

Seinfeld became popular for being a show about nothing. So this post is going to be just that.....nothing!!

I never thought I could dry up of things to write about. The loud, talkative punju in me...completely acquired, none genetic....made me believe that I would never lose an opportunity to keep talking!! And here I am at a loss of story....yet itching to blog....So here's a round up of my life in the last couple of weeks.

I've been traveling all over the place....Bombay, Pune, Chennai...the works! And here are snippets of thoughts from time spent on the move....

Flying not a piece of cake
Despite the many miles I have gathered at the expense of my erstwhile employers, I still get the jitters when I see a plane. I still need to shut my eyes and grab my seat and pray when the plane takes off...and I also let out an expletive at the pilot when he doesn't brake within 5 seconds of the plane landing. Also, the diet goes for a toss because you want to eat up everything they serve you on flight cause
a. You're cheap and think you've paid for it.
b. It helps you kill time on the scary flight and keeps your mind off the turbulence
c. You keep thinking the flight will crash any minute and you don't want to die on an empty stomach!

OSO
Got to see OSO in Pune. For those who've had the luxury of watching a movie from front row corner seats will know that it's not the best way to watch a movie you've been dying to watch. For starters, you see the entire movie through what seems to be a funny mirror. Everyone looks stretched or fat and highly distorted. So beautiful Deepika Padukone looks like a giraffe, Kiron Kher looks like she has 3 hips and SRK struts around with a 12 pack!! Liked the movie anyhow. I'm a sucker for slapstick and obvious jokes make me feel smart! Hmmmm....

Bridget Jones I'm not
And on the flight, I borrowed another chick flick novel from my colleague and while these books make for pleasurable reading, I no longer relate to them because
a. All stories revolve around women who are single and have some hot man falling in love with them. Don't remember the last time someone wrote about someone in a happy relationship
b. All stories are either about this "slightly large" woman like Bridget or these skinny model type executives. Now for the first kind, I look back longingly at my "slightly large" days and a "large pumpkin" is a more befitting description for me. And I don't feel like a smart executive cause feeling dumb is an understatement of what I actually feel at work!
c. Every female protagonist has a bunch of female friends and one gay friend who all fancy her prospective boyfriend. I have no gay friends and I'm not sure what I'd do around a gay friend in the first place! And I definitely don't want anyone fancying my boyfriend! Hmph!
d. They always have a smoking or drinking problem. Where have all the good girls gone??

Anyway, I've had enough of this nonsensical post so I'm going to go give my beautification another unsuccessful shot. The parlour lady beckons to tell me how much weight I've put on now....

Till then.....

The Theory of "Relative"ity

Are you seriously not sick of watching the Sawariya and Om Shanti Om ads? Aren't you sick of watching Ranbir Kapoor prancing about in a lousy towel while Sonam Kapoor is running around with a tent trailing behind her?And isn't SRK's dard-e-disco already giving you a dard-e-sar (read headache)?

Well whatever it is, winter in Delhi seems to have taken a leaf out of the whole teaser game and has been giving us a glimpse of herself since the past one month without actually settling in. That is, till yesterday when I started shivering and got under my blanket and snoozed off....only to be woken up at 8 and to be told that we have a family function to attend!!!

Now family functions are entertaining. You have all extended family, all their children and grandchildren and lots of chaos. The elders spend most the evening trying to showcase their illnesses and there is general joy in being the illest of them all. Most of the young girls flaunt their newly lost weight and spend their evening checking out every other girl who walks in. Most of the young guys.....I'm not sure what they do cause being a young girl I'm not usually allowed to partake in whatever conversations they like to have minus young girls. And the toddlers spend their time doing cartwheels right in the middle of the hall!

So yesterday we went off for a second cousin's daughter's.....errr....birth celebration?? And were engulfed by many ailing aunts with eye trouble and uncles with knee trouble!

Entertainment at such gatherings is never really a problem. Be it one of the aunts who would come up to my mum and says "Aapa, when you were complimenting my earrings, was I wearing one or two?" A much pleasurable treasure hunt followed

Or be it the aunt who refused to touch the Gulab Jamuns becauce they were too hot. Finally told her the gulab jamuns had cooled down and she had a go at it. And then when someone asked her how they were she says dismissively, "They're nice but they're not hot"!!! Try pleasing her huh!

Good byes at such gatherings also take ages to get over with. Sometimes when I'm in a hurry, the minute we're done with the hello's we start saying the good byes.....

Anyway, am completing this post from my office (my employer must love me) so before someone figures out I have this blog....adious amigos!

P for Shy

I have discovered that I'm shy..........I'll go take a walk round the park while you stop laughing
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Ok. That should've been enough. So I'm shy. I've seen signs of it all my life now. All those stage shows I've never auditioned for cause I'm shy of facing the audience. The alternate theory is that I did act as the "ice cream man" in my class 2 play where I was traumatised by the whooping beard and mustache they drew on my face and that ended my acting career. Very creative dialogue mine was..."Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream for sale. Orange bar. Chocolate Ice. Softies for sale" I think that ended my singing career too

Sign 2 is how I'm shy of talking in public, ie, office meetings. I guess being stupid doesn't quite help this cause and my biggest fear is that people would discover this truth about me so I'm shy to expose it

Sign 3 is how 90% of the people who meet me for the first time think I'm a supreme snobbish bitch. Cause I'm too shy to make conversation with them. So yesterday I went to this card party and I swear I prayed, almost out loud, that some big vulture would swoop me up and fly me away...

What the hell is with me? I'm 27, educated, need to make presentations by way of profession and here I am all tongue tied in the middle of a party, stammering, stuttering and studying the marble flooring.....

So that just about establishes it. I'm shy. Cotton fills my mouth. Colour floods my cheeks. And my heart goes for a trip to Mars. But strangely all this falls to bits when I'm surrounded by my mad friends. Who have this catalysing effect on me and my mouth automatically opens up to let out a hard core punju-tam accent and I don't stop till someone grabs my neck and says "ENOUGH". And now my friends are all set to start visiting next month and I'm doing everything I can to get my vocal cords in shape. Ohhhhh I'm so excited!!! I love this time of the year! Come on over people! Time to grab a gab!

Oh and what's with the title?

The niece calls up yesterday and my mom decides to humour her...
"Nani, my friend is coming"
"Really? Who?"
"Tia"
"Mia??"
"Tia"
"Jia?"
"Tia Nani Tia Tia"
"Ria?"
"Tia! B for Bird. B for Tia"

Hence...P for pencil....P for shy....

Oh and since we're on the subject of the niece, today she saw the Ravans in the park and tells her mom "Oh look. There are 2 Rakhi Sawants". What made her think Ravan and Rakhi Sawant were the same thing I'm not sure but insightful little girl she huh?

I suck at poetry!

I thought I'd write a juicy post
On how I'm turning into a ghost
With no time to self but yet almost
I'm finding time for me to unload

But here I am staring at the screen
Getting no such words that mean
What I should post in this box so clean
Except that 6 day working sucks (what the hell if it doesn't rhyme! it's true!)

I never thought I'd see a day
When my blog would be in such dismay
That I can't write oh please do say
Is it just meant to be this way

So many things I want to write
On dirty loos and driving fights
On issues I'm waiting to ignite
On climbing up a 10 storey flight

Yet words fail me and I know not
What to call this disease I've got
Or is it my brain this job is making rot
That a post I cannot even give a shot

If you think this poem is a mock
It truly sucks and doesn't rock
Let me say I can't recover from this shock
That I my dears have a writer's block

Shucks!

Teething trouble

I cannot believe I've actually joined a company named after an insect!!!! So it's a start up. So I had nothing to do with the brand name. But when I heard the name, I kind of gagged and wished I were dead! DON'T ask me what it is. Just trust me that it's named after an insect (sob sob sob sob)

Problem no 2 of course is the physical proximity with the heavens above (read 10th floor). And it doesn't help when the guard confirms in the affirmitive that the lifts are known to break down and be stuck for hours.

Problem 3 is that I have no clue what a peepal tree looks like. So yesterday when I was looking for parking, I asked the attendant where my office parking was. His answer was next to the "peepal" tree. I turned around and saw like a forest of trees and couldn't distinguish one from the other. I pointed in some vague direction and said "That one?" "Peepal peepal". Not a people's person is he!!! Didn't want to do a bimbo act so didn't pursue the topic. Went ahead and asked the other attendant. "Next to the peepal tree". Now am googling peepal images!

Problem 4 is that my office hasn't given me a parking sticker. So if I even do manage parking it's costing me 100 bucks a day. So the entire salary jump basically benefits the government parking pockets and I'm still taking home the same money

Problem 5 is that the new office believes in a 6 day working though officially is a 5 day week. They fix up daily meetings at 6pm and start at a god forsaken 9am. If you know me, you'll know I'm not a morning person in the mornings and not an evening person in the evenings. Hence am grumpy through the day

But you know what....I'm just a big fat (and becoming fatter) crib so ignore my whining...... Had to let the steam out....

Shit! They're making me travel this weekend! :'(

The new office...

.......is on the 10th floor! Keeping with my previous post, the only thing that comes to mind is "Oh Shit!"

Will blog as soon as I find a way to beat the claustrophobia...........

PS- Anyone want to help me with parking in CP???

Lift Me Up

I got a couple of tags to do. But when I came to this question- "If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?", I drew up such a long list that blogger shut down! So have decided to hold on till I feel less hungry (NOT read as never!)

So tomorrow's my last day in this job and I will no longer be a chip off the old block (very cool pun for all who know where I work). Have spent the day writing good bye mails today which I'm very excited about sending out tomorrow. Though what is disappointing is that people nowadays are so well connected that before you can break the news to them, they already know.

I have this quirk to be the first one to break news-good or bad. Hence was known as the gossip queen of campus. There is a certain joy of knowing a piece of fresh gossip which only convent educated girls like me know! There's something about seeing people's mouth drop open when you say "Have you heard...." or the tingle in your tummy when you're listening to a piece of gossip and already mentally making a note of who all to disseminate to after putting down the phone!!

There was a time my reputation was so amazing that people would say "Zee, just wanted everyone to know I'm engaged and thought what better way to get the news to the rest of the world than to tell you." I took my job very seriously and within 5 mins would make sure all relevant people have received every juicy detail!!! Sigh.....those were the days! Now people are too busy to generate gossip for me and so I spend my time blogging....

Coming back to the title of this post which as you may have noticed has had nothing to do with this post so far. The reason I wanted to blog was because I have spent a significant time of my 2 yrs in this job praying for my life. A whooping 5 mins everyday when I got into the lift going up and another 5 mins while coming down!

I'm not on the 60th floor. In fact a 15th of that to be precise. Yet laziness runs in my bones so I never take the stairs. Hence the degree of interaction with the lift is amazing

I'm not claustrophobic but God knows I break into a sweat everytime I step into the tin room. Someone had done a case study on how a lift company was able to satisfy customers better because they'd put mirrors outside so that people wouldn't be bored waiting for the lift to come and so the time the lift took seemed shorter. Apparently, my lift people read the case study and smartly decided to place the mirrors inside the lifts so that you can kill time while the lift kills you softly climbing up the floors at snail speed!

Once inside, don't panic. There's clanking and banging and the lift shakes enough to measure 50 on the Richter scale (just hold the side panel or each other if someone else is risking their life with you) and you can practically picture a skinny little guy huffing and puffing trying to pull the lift up. (No wise cracks you guys! It's not due to my weight! Hmph!)

And today, the switches inside stopped working. So you just need to get inside and wish that it stops at your floor. So while getting out to my car on zero, I went from the 4th floor, to -2, to -1 and wola! Straight to 1! Before I was faced the embarrassment of walking out again on the 4th floor, I decided to get off and use the staircase! Forced exercise I tell you! Someone out there is plotting against me!

The one last thing on lifts.....why does everyone stare at your footwear????? Esp when your sandal is broken.......

3 cubed

It was a decent start I must admit. As in, I got about a dozen calls back to back at the strike of 12....my niece handed me a self made card with tons of sticky glue and shiny stars.....the boy had handed me a bad full of gifts.... so all was well. Till life decided to say "Are you actually feeling good about turning 27?" And so it began.......

I walked into my bedroom chattering away on the phone when I spotted it...the slimy, ugly, pugly lizard on the cupboard door. What ensued in the first hour of me turning 27 was me standing on the bed and screaming for someone to shoo off the L thing.

If you don't know what the L thing means to me, you don't know me at all. To put it in brief, I have come this close to writing in to Godfrey Phillips for handing me a bravery award for surviving 2 years surrounded by the sumo wrestler L things in Bhubaneswar (which according to some people is near Nepal!!!!But let's not start on the lack of geographical knowledge topic cause for years I thought there was a beach in Calcutta thanks to the Vivek Oberoi Kareena Kapoor song from Yuva shot on the beach!)

Back to the birthday. I spent most of the part getting shouted at by my mom that my room is still a pig sty and if I don't clean it in 2 hours, my friends cannot come home for dinner. So I spent my ENTIRE day cleaning up my room.

Add to this that my maid fell ill. And mum in all her flurry of making kebabs and the rest for the friends' dinner made daal chawal for lunch. This when I was getting a free day from my diet after 3 weeks!!!!!!

And then we'd ordered the most delicious cake which I'd been looking forward to all day and it turned up with walnuts in it (And I HATE walnuts!)

No...it gets worse. Then the electricity went off during dinner. The electricity never goes off this side of town!! So everyone was huddled under the one fan that works with the inverter power and played a guessing game with what they were putting on their plate!

Ok I'm going to stop before I feel more miserable. There were a lot of things that went right too though.....like the lizard hasn't been spotted again in 3 days now, the electricity came back in 1/2 hr, i didn't overeat cause the cake didn't merit it, the dal chawal were rather tasty, I got lots of present and my boy was here after 2 months..... And that I'd got 41 calls from friends by 11am. Lost count after that....

So I guess all's well that ends.......well.....

PS- Thanks everyone for pouring in the wishes on my previous post! That counts as an upside too :)

Tomorrow

Top 3 things to look forward to tomorrow
1. Presents
2. Day off from diet- Translation: Digging into the chocolate brownie cake
3. Phone calls from people who don't call anymore

Top 3 Things to NOT look forward to tomorrow
1. Lack of presents cause I'm too old for them
2. Cake burning down due to the fire caused by the candles
3. Phone calls from people who laugh at me and say "HAHAHAHA!!! You're 27!!!!"

Crap!

I Saw the Sign

People's style of signing off on official mails got me thinking today (I am obviously very jobless...reason below...and so things like this get me thinking...if at all...) of how silly signing off can be. Most of the times when people sign off as "Cheers" I have this vision of them raising a toast. So it's even funnier when the body of the mail is full of scorn and it ends in "Cheers". That's like saying "Here's to your inefficiency! Bottoms up!"

It's even funnier when agencies sign off saying "Warm Regards". You get these scary visions of them giving you a hug! Ok to be fair I signed off that way too for years in an attempt to copy my client savvy boss till someone told me there's no such thing as "warm" regards. It's "best" regards. That of course is better than this colleague of mine, who in her trainee days was often told to reply on behalf of the boss...that is, till the boss discovered she'd been sending mails to clients saying "We will be reverting shortly. Love XYZ"!!

Anyway, been having a blast at work having quit my job last week. It's funny how everyone was curious to know where I was moving to when I quit my previous job. This time the response is "So are you getting married" or "Are you going to continue working?" It makes me feel a. Really old...like it's time for retirement or something and b. Totally incompetent that people cannot believe someone else would get conned into hiring me!! Hmph!

Made my last official out of town trip to...no points for guessing...Chennai. And without fail, yet once again, for the nth time, the office had sent a cab bearing my name prefixed with a "Mr."!For crying out loud! I've decided to sign off from now onwards giving them my name, sex and vital stats if need be!!

So getting back to office...been chilling out... reaching office at 10, leaving at 6 sharp and spending the hours in between listening to the radio and sending personal emails! Exit mode rocks!!! Today in particular I went to office in a chariot of flowers...like literally. Our neighbour's shrubbery has decided to shed on our side....to be more precise, on my car! So in a flower laden car I set out for office with petals flying to the left and leaves flying to the right, with petals streaming down the windshield when I braked and petals flying off when I used the wiper....and all was well till I saw the cows were eyeing my car rather longingly!!(I swear I heard a couple of them saying "foooooooooooooood") Hence now planning to go down and free my poor eve teased car off greener pastures...

Till next time.....signing off
Zee
Female

Shakespeare.....Take a Hike!

The thought was triggered off by Nutty who said she wanted to be a writer. I'm thinking, most people who blog now must've aspired to become writers huh? Well at least I did when I was a kid. Unfortunately in hindsight, I'm glad no publisher came upon my manuscripts else I would've been banned from the literary world for life!!

It is quite fun reading through those registers and registers of stories though! There are some common threads.

*Each one starts off with a lot of passion....and usually ends in some bland, useless ending for the heck of ending it....and in a different ink from the one it had started off in.

*It has the most innovative names of characters. I must confess that some of them sound like spells from JK Rowling creations. Hmmm....maybe I should charge some royalty

*And they have arbit drawings of box shaped women in red mini skirts! (I think it's an expression of aspiration...I'm sure I wanted to wear one all my life....and then was blessed by this awesomely gigantic box shaped figure which can't sport a skirt- mini or long!)

Anyway, got me thinking if I were to write some books now, these are the titles they would bear

- How to find the slowest lane in peak hour and non peak hour traffic

- 101 reasons why Monday is not a good day to start a diet (Also available in the same series- Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and definitely not Sunday!)

- Do Good Onto Others- By ensuring every time you open your mouth, it's only to make others look brighter in comparison

- Relatives and Where to Lose Them

- 20,000 People to avoid when at Marriageable age

- Who Moved my Remote Control

- Exercising the Right to Not exercise

- Chocolate- A Users guide to happiness....and Flab

- What Women Want- The one word summary of which reads, "Everything"

Try not to get killed in the stampede to get a copy of my books!

The Tale of a Tormented Tummy

(Warning: If this post strikes you as being unfunny...let me tell you...there's nothing funny about being on a diet!!!)

You never know how much people eat around you till you're forbidden to eat it yourself. Quite like you never know how many couples there are till you're single. Or how clean everyone's cars are till yours is unwashed. Or how clean everyone else's arms are till yours are unwaxed!!!

Getting back to the first bit, the diet which lasted one full week was the toughest time of my life. Tougher than fasting when you know you can have a go at anything you like at the end of the day. The visions of salad and onion soup have scarred me for life!!

Add to this that I was invited to Radisson the other day for free coffee (and awesome munchies) and all I had was a glass of watermelon juice!!! Saying no to free food was a blow to the tummy..... It growled in protest!

My friend was over the other day and was talking about his wedding when he said "When I send you my wedding card, I'll just write Zee + 1. Oh wait...that'll mean you only...hahahahahaha!" For a tiny second I did take offence to that and swore to continue the diet. Till of course friend two, rechristened devil in disguise, brought chocolate mousse (free again!) and placed it under my nose. So no, didn't break the diet then but did decide to have a go at it 2 days hence!

Food deprivation also made me crack this joke with Beanpole yesterday
-Why must you never trust an unfit person
- Because he's not fit as a fiddle
Get it? Not fit --> Not fiddle -->In-fiddle-->In-fidel -->Non trustworthy....DUH!!

Beanpole made me promise I wouldn't even mention that he was the unfortunate one to hear this joke first. I break that promise cause even on a full tummy, I find it damn funny! The boy's reaction was "So who bore the brunt of this?" Tsk tsk!

That reminds me, the boy was here couple of weeks ago (yipieeeeeeee) and will be back next month again (yip yip yipeeeeee) and we were passing past Priya complex. Priya complex, for the unitiated, is Delhi's fashion house...it's actually just a movie hall place where women come dressed as if they're going to star in the movie rather than just sit through it! So the boy is humming something and I just turn to look at him and he says "I wasn't even looking at her you liar!" Aha!!! He's still trying to come up with a story to cover up that one!!!

Anyway, am off the diet now...for a few days...till I muster up the courage to give up chocolates and chicken again.....maybe now the sense of humour will return.....sighhhhhhhhhhhh

PS- This blog is a Must Read. Really funny!

Fatti-licious

Fatty Zee sat on a chair
Fatty Zee in deep despair
The Chair sunk down
It dug the ground
Fatty Zee got a dirty glare

The above is not a story. It's true. Today I was sitting outside at CCD and during the course of the half an hour there I could feel myself sinking lower and lower into the ground. First I blamed it my bad posture. Then I thought it was a broken chair. Then I realised my weight had pushed the chair so deep into the earth that there was a hole enough for a family of snakes to seep out at the same time!!! The idea of seeing snakes appear was not a pleasant one so I came back home.

Then my mom turned up with a picture of some "eligible muslim boy". She just doesn't give up!. And since I don't either, I turned him down saying he's fat. She gave me the look to say you aren't a toothpick either you know. Then returned 10 mins wearing her glasses and said "If I put on my specs, he doesn't look fat anymore". You have to give it to her. She doesn't give up without a fight!

Thankfully the niece is over and she's been distracting my mom so I didn't hear of it again. The niece goes
"Nani, I'm getting a dog. A Daschund"
"Really? What will you name him?"
"He already has a name. Daschund"

Anyway, the exercise cycle will be used tomorrow. It was taken out last week and after getting an asthma attack thanks to the dust that had settled on it, I did put it to use for fifteen mins. Unfortunately, I felt nothing in those 15 mins. I think I cycled at the speed of 10, read the paper, hummed a song and got a few droplets of sweat at the nape of my neck. The net take out was to place the cycle right under the fan the next time....which of course hasn't happened since.

My anthem on weekends has been to go on a diet starting Monday and since today is the weekend I vow so again. Bring on the boiled veggies I say

Perfect Mornings......vs Mine

I wake up to the rustling of leaves and birds chirping....
I wake up to the hammering in the wall thanks to the construction work going on next door...

....to lazily stretch out and feel the fresh air....
...to jump out of bed........Shit I'm late again!

I open my cupboard to breathe in the freshly starched clothes
"Mom! Is there anything clean I can wear?"

I sink into the bath tub to treat myself to an aromatic lazy bath
The shower gel's run out. The shampoo's run out......Oh crap! The water's run out!

...and gently massage my face with a creamy moisturiser...
...Another F-ing pimple! Dammit!

I sink my teeth into a soft croissant with oozing butter teasing my tongue
"Is this bread toasted?". "No". "Why is it so hard?". "It's 3 days old". Silence. "Can I have some butter?". "No. It's fattening for you"

I let the aroma of coffee take over my senses
I gag on my cup of milk

And I walk down to my sparkling car
That's bird shit on my bonnet again

And head out for a smooth, pleasant drive to office
"*&%%#* you're the one who can't see where you're going"

I walk into office to pleasant greetings
"Out of my way!" "You're late again!"

I turn on my sleek laptop in my cabin
I leap over cardboard boxes to reach my side of the cubicle and turn on my dilapidated desktop...

....to find a picture of a loved one smiling at me
....to find this picture I'd put up on my desktop in one of my smart alec moods....which doesn't seem quite smart anymore!!!

Why do I do this to myself? Sigh...........

Tag of War

Got tagged by Bullshee. At least it put my brain cells to some sort of work. So here's 8 things/people I'm grateful to

1. My family...for finding inventive ways of waking me up in time for office everyday. Whether it's my mom waking me up with horror stories of how we're not getting water in our area AGAIN or my dog who wants my cheek to check how wet his nose feels today or my sister who teaches my niece to exercise lung power by yelling "Khala....Wake up!!!"...I thank you all

2. The toothbrush.....for just existing and ensuring that I do have a social life after all

3. Alcoholic shots....for being the only reason any one has ever told me I look beautiful

4. The car....if it wasn't for you, I would've walked to E block market which is precisely 20 meters from my gate and actually shed some of the excess weight....wouldn't want a situation when I'm actually thin would we?

5. My company's IT system...Thanks for ensuring I can sleep another 30 mins after reaching office by ensuring I get the slowest comp in the world which takes long enough to flash my mailbox

6. LC and Timster....for teaching me the art of being able to hold a one way conversation for a min of 40 min and allowing the other person to pipe in a "hmmm" exactly twice in the midst of this exercise. (I have been at the receiving end many many times)

7. Ekta Kapoor....For truly being appreciative of my eyesight and giving me reason to turn off the television

8. Mandy Miller....For introducing me to the world of Harry Potter....and then giving it up herself!

9. Om Book store....For selling books at twice the price available everywhere else and then laughing at my expense (pun intended)

10. Benetton....For repeatedly encouraging me to lose weight by making sure they make nothing in my size

Ok so overshot that by 2 but I am like this only! Passing on the tag to Nutty, Kolly, Ruchi and anyone else who's name ends in a phonetic "ee"

Have just returned from a weekend in Pondicherry. So worth blogging (if only a post dedicated to the annoying driver we took) but too late in the night to do it now....so till next time....

A mouthful

RT forwarded this and Bo suggested I share it with the blog world........and I agree!!! Very very shareable!

Food-lighten Me

(Type of post: Non funny. Self discovery types!)

I must admit this one's been inspired by Bullshee's latest post! But here's my interpretation of the title!

1. I'm Food-a-holic. That I'm choc-aholic has been established for many years now but off late I've decided it's time to face up to the fact that food is the first love of my life! People says there's nothing like the look on my face when I bite into a sumptiously, sinful, chocolate dessert (the mouth's watering already!). What brings this passion to life is the incident of when I'd joined my company. They went around the room asking people to introduce themselves. "I'm ABC and I like sports." "I'm XYZ and I like to paint". "I'm Zee and I like to eat". Yup, the words flew out innocently without a second thought! After a stunned minute of silence where the unanimous thought seemed to be "Groan! Have we really recruited this dimwit?", someone politely said "Err...then this is the right place to be. We are a snacks company after all"

2. Now the 2nd interpretation of the title. I need to desperately food- lighten myself. I eat too much. I have this tendancy to put all the fattening stuff on the menu onto my plate and then feel much obliged to leave no need for anyone to clean up. Now I'm much above my college weight, battling with my trousers every single morning and too lazy to move my butt and exercise. Before I know it I'll be a dead elephant! Actually, more immediately, I don't want people pointing out to me at my friend's wedding and saying "Us moti wali dost ke kapde to dekho"

3. My Sunday mornings are marked by viewership of all the cooking shows on various channels!! Kylie Kwong, Angela's Kitchen, Khana Khazana, the Foodie are as much a part of my household as are Kyunki Saans, Saat Phere (Ruchi, this one esp for you) and My Family (Recently discovered most hilarious show on BBC entertainment, weekdays 8:30pm- channel 205 on Tata Sky- Life Jinga-lala types). Back to the topic, I was food-lightened by the fact that the format of cook shows have changed. From cooking in the kitchen to traveling the world and learning the history, living the life and cooking the food. This is what I want to do! This is exactly what I want to do with my life....

Pottering Around

Mr Potter is back!!! It's visible in the by the way he receives mentions in various blogs. It's visible in the "Book now and get blah blah free" posters in the malls. It's visible in the way I mention him at least twice in every conversation with my boy these days. It's visible in the way I'm re-reading all my Harry Potters to gear up for the movie release and the final book release. It's visible in the way I'm planning my work life so that I can take the Monday post the release off to be able to finish off my book (assuming 3 days locked up in my room are enough!). It's visible in the way I sneak a peak at my pre-booked voucher every couple of days for the 21st July book release!!!!

I cannot contain my excitement! I've already gone and seen all the youtube trailors of the movie. I've joined the orkut community for the 7th book and was extremely upset that I had forgotten who Aberforth Dumbledore is and so decided to revise my books before the final one.

I'm 26, people my age have children who are old enough to read these books but here I am biting my nails in excitement! There's nothing like the magic she can brew up!

The other day, my friend on hearing I'm reading the book told me she wished she were a witch. Fairly arbit statement to make. But then she clarified she meant the teenage witch varieties!! It's so cool huh how witches, the one thing we used to be petrified of as kids, are suddenly aspirational for kids (and adults like me) nowadays. To be able to do magic is cool....... unlike Joan of Arc who was burnt cause they thought she were a witch........

Hmmm....tangential thoughts. Just thought I'd write anyway.......since it's been so long.........

Got myself a reliance phone after a whooping 7.5K bill.........of course reliance customer care SUCKS!!!!!!! I went to get a connection and the customer care guy just stood there gaping dreamily at his girlfriend and I had to rap the table at least 10 times to catch his attention. And I've had to return to the store every couple of days regarding some strange connection problem or the other! And they're unhelpful!!! I HATE THEM!!!! Phew! Good to get it out of my system then!

Anyway, am off now. Awesome Sridevi Jeetinder movie on that I can't resist!!!!

Shaadi ke Laddu

Why do Delhites fall in love during the summers??? Because their hearts melt away in the freaking heat!!! It’s 45 degrees celsius .. and I can feel myself melting away slowly like the evil witch in the Wizard of Oz (try and resist from making a comment that I look like the evil witch as well…….please…)

Ok now shift focus from the Delhi heat to the giggly girl gang….my group of 6 eternally single school friends……

I had this post ready to be put up any minute….but the theorist (a GGG member) broke the news to the world (errr…..the world being the massive 20 people who read this blog….10 of who are arm twisted into it) .... that it’s 1 down….. 5 to go…. Yup, the inevitable has happened. The first of the giggly girls was struck by the summer…her heart melted….she fell in love…and yesterday broke the news that she’s all set to tie the knot…

So Al dude, as the theorist calls him ……though I would’ve liked to call him the man from Far Far Away (Shrek 3 hangover!!!) had I put up the post first (hmph!) romantically proposed to Al Giggly (also christened by theorist in her post) and despite our constant training of “none of us can get married else the rest of us are in deep shit”….love got the better of her and she agreed!

So the phone calls poured in during peak office hours, excitement, drama, weight loss program discussions and once we’d closed topics like “hey do you have anything I can fit into for the wedding??”……. it hit us! Our families are going to be wild!

Lovely cousin was in town for the last couple of days. So she took it upon herself to break the news to my mom…..albeit without me asking her to do so!!! Hmph! So when I got home and tenderly approached the topic, what I got was “That’s excellent. The right thing to do. I’m glad she’s found someone. When will you settle down? Meet some nice boys? Before you know it, the entire GGG will be engaged, fats will be engaged, beanpole will be engaged…..” . Ok so I rolled on the floor laughing at the last 2 bits but when I recovered I reached out to my phone and realized the others had been smart and not told their families. LC, you’re in for a lot of trouble!!

Yes, this post will sound like another one of those wedding bells and wedding blues posts I keep putting up but this one had totally to be posted……to let Al dude know that the giggly girl gang truly welcomes the newest member and allows him to sweep our friend off her feet! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! :) :)

(The rate at which it’s going, I should be changing the name of this blog from "keep talking" to “keep getting married”!)

Monday Morning Balles!

Balle Balle happened as Gujjars declared Delhi Bandh. So unlike my friends who got the day off last month in celebration of 150 years of the 1857 revolt (yes yes HSBC and the likes were actually shut), it was my turn to loll around in bed and laugh at them while they trotted to work. Working in Gurgaon does have its one off advantages! The over dramatic news sent my mom panicking and I was asked to stay put under my blanket and not to go out fight the traffic, and the mob, and the Delhi heat.......so I happily obliged!

Ok so 6 hours later, now at 3pm, I'm bored stiff and it no longer seems like a great idea after all. There's nothing on TV. I've read some 40 blogs. Stuffed myself till I can't breathe. Slept enough to give Rip Van Winkle a complex. And the book I'm reading is it a point where the plot is just not moving. And that explains why I’m blogging about nothing at all…

The social life is back. Caught Pirates and Shrek 3 over the weekend. Neither too great. And went to attend my alumni meet! Ended up meeting the 5 people I meet up with in any case...... But it was kind of nice to see that people still looked like they've walked out of a surprise quiz, that they still look disheveled like they've woken up from an afternoon nap albeit in slightly better clothes, that they play exactly the same music they did in the arbit parties back on campus, and that you still disliked the same people you did years ago.

It was nice sitting around though and sharing the same old stories about the psychotic batchmates or the batty professors. The bulky hostel secretary who said his hobby was candle making....the bathroom singer who you could hear all the way from the academic block while he took a bath in the boys hostel....the woman who thought pink pajamas were the innest thing (and it may have been till she wore it!!)...the boy who hung the broomstick from people's doors and got chased down corridors after that....the first floor vs ground floor slipper throwing matches where you were often caught in the line of fire....and the delight at seeing the current batch knowing the steps your batch had started off to the tamil "gemini gemini" and declaring it the college anthem.....how that came about I’m not sure...but it was a pleasant surprise anyway.....

Told the boy it would be the first alumni meet where we don't exchange phone numbers and never call post that.............

Oh well, enough reminiscing. Have another couple of hours to kill till its time for Wonder Years.......and that would call for more reminiscing.......

Maybe I should change the name of the post to Reminiscing........hmmmmm.........

And the World Goes Swishing By

When did the Flintstones exist? 100BC? 200BC? 500BC? Make it 2007. Till yesterday that is…..till yesterday when I stopped being the Flintstones….till yesterday when I stopped living in stone age…till yesterday when I got broad band!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so half your eyes will pop out. No I don’t mean half your eye……I mean half of you reading this will pop your eyes out…pop your eyes out??? Mrs Beddow (My “speech and drama” teacher........Ya ya beat that......a compulsory course in my "convent" school……..Ha!) would have given me a straight F if she were to hear my English now……

Anyway, coming back to what I was saying. I got broadband! I stopped plugging myself to the telephone line, hearing the dial tone purr, redialing for a 52.0 kbps connection…….sometimes settling for a 28.8kbps connection….and then spending half an hour loading my email!!! Yesterday it only took me only 5 mins and then I didn't know what to do with the net! It was kind of scary how you’d click go and the page would open phatak!! I leapt out my chair a couple of times by the speed of the thing but finally braved it the third time onwards!

So oh well…I got broadband and this is the first post from my broadband connection so pls let the congratulations pour in! Trust me, it was a mammoth task! Convincing me that is.

And broadbands’s given me something to write about as life becomes even duller with the boy soooooooo far away and my friends having disowned me for disowning them when I found boy....

The only time in the past few days when I’ve wanted to blog was when I got this awesome call from Airtel.
“Madam, we have an amazing scheme. We’re giving you a free sim with your sim card”
“OK. But what will I do with 2 connections?”
Silence. “That I don’t know Madam”

I respect call centers. I appreciate the work people do there. But how can every database in the country have my sex wrong??? I get at least one of these calls everyday
“I want to speak to Mister_____”
“Speaking”
Silence. “Are you Mister_____”
“Do I sound like a mister____?”
Silence. Tick tock tick tock. Bell rings. “Oh. Sorry. You’re Miss _____”
Like duh!!!

Ok got to go now. My mom and aunt have decided to play the role of the Miss Universe judges or something and are commenting non stop on how terrible all the women look. So I need to find solace in stuffing my face with dinner. (On a side note have eaten half a pack of Hide n seek, one lemon tart and one motichoor laddu in the past half hour and am nursing a stomach ache. News you can’t use)

PS- Just in case Make my trip.com starts boasting of getting 2 billion hits in a day…don’t pay attention. It’s just me looking for cheap Chennai tickets every 5 mins………

Gold is Old!

Mum dragged me for some family friend’s nephew’s wedding (phew!) last week. It was one of those grand affairs where the farm house was converted into some 5 star hotel and the entire area was lined with mouth watering food counters and 3 different types of prawns were served as starters!! (The pepsi was a bit flat but I’d let that pass…)

Anyway, after much stuffing ourselves, we got into the car and my mum says “The bride looked a bit old didn’t she?” I stared at her for 2 mins before I said “Given that your own daughter will soon be 27 and can’t see marriage on the horizon for another 5 years to come, I don’t think you should be commenting on anyone else!” And instead of comforting me she gave out a loud laugh and said “That’s true”

Let’s put things in perspective. It isn’t that my mum hasn’t been having nightmares about giving away her daughter as some wrinkled 40 year old bride. She’s been trying her best to hook me up with lots of “eligible”, “muslim” boys but her efforts to set me up fail miserably compared to my efforts (read tantrums) to keep such efforts at bay! So last week when I finally refused to meet her friend with not 1 but 2 eligible sons she finally gave up! “That’s it! Now you marry whoever you want!” Mission accomplished!

Life was all happy till yesterday when a friend of mine called out of the blue. Let me give you a background of this friend. She’s someone who got married at the right age of 24 and had a baby at the right age of 25. So she called me now at the age of 26 and said “Hey!” Giggle. “Hey, what’s up?” Giggle. “How come you giggling so much? All ok?” Giggle. “Oh gosh have you called me to tell me you’re pregnant again?” “Actually Zee, I have already had my second baby” And the world came crashing down!

The first rude shock hit me when at the age of 19 one of my friends announced her engagement! And then another friend got married and another and before I knew it everyone I touched got married (Midas me!). The second slap was the baby boom when people started popping them out like they’re in fashion or something!

I actually thought I had hit rock bottom when my friend’s baby wished me “Happy Birthday maasi” on my 25th birthday and my friend proudly announced that her child was now attending proper school! But now with my friends moving on to the next stage of life of handling full fledged 2 kid families, that’s it! I’m not only over the hill, soon I’ll be under it!

It doesn’t help that half my head is turning white and I’ve spent a significant part of my evening plucking out the greys from my head (my friends were screaming on the phone that I didn’t have to tell them I was doing that and they could do without such intimate details of my life) ….And it surely doesn’t help that my boy looks so young that when he goes to Buzz they ask him for age proof and even when he shows it to them, they tell him he’s lying!!!! This in comparison to me who has looked like I’m 30 ever since my 17th birthday!!! Hmph hmph!

So after a week of feeling extremely old, here I am blogging away at 3 in the morning with my mom telling me that the reason I’m graying is because I don’t sleep on time! That’s all the explanation I need!

Am off to bed now….to dream of my youthful years and to count the number of black strands left on my head!

PS- the title….my name means gold…go figure!

PPS- My boy moved to Chennai this week. :( I miss him…….

Car Craze, Late night Dates and Infuriating Vet Visits

Have you ever driven behind a bullock cart overtaking a bullock cart? Well neither have I but I sure feel like I am when I’m stuck behind this car driving at the speed of 10 overtaking this other car driving at the speed of 10 and I’m trying very hard to catch the last parking spot at my office complex! Hmph!

After 2 years of not being able to take my driving anymore, my car gave up and decided to revolt by conking off the car speakers. Well one of them works. The other one shuts up whenever it fancies and can only be brought back to life only if I drive into a pothole! Of course, not hard to find on MG road, have been experting the art of driving into every pothole in sight to bring back music into my life!!!Bullseye!!!

Anyway, have been home most of the week as the boy was busy and my friends have disowned me for never meeting up with them (Sorrrrrryyyyyyy!!). But on Saturday night the boy did call up and said “Can finally get out. Pick you up at 12.” Twelve??? Ok so I’m, not a Cindrella who needs to get home by 12 but I’m definitely someone who CAN’T leave the house at midnight!!!

After much convincing my mum and promising her that I would sneak out without disturbing my grandparents and uncle downstairs, I tiptoed my way down the stairs. And just when I reached the landing my phone shrilled.
“Yes yes I’m coming” I whispered furiously
“Get a bottle of water”.
Tiptoed right back up. Finally let myself out of the house only to find the gate locked and the guard merrily in lala land!
“Hey” No response. He’s sprawled out on the chair.
“Hey guard” Louder. No response.
Clicked my heels loudly on the driveway to wake him up. No response.
I start whacking the bottle on the side of the car. “Hey wake up!” No response. Finally poked him 5 times with the bottle and he stirs.
“Why are you sleeping? What have we kept you here for?” Turn around. And my uncle’s at the door! Awesome! Gave him an angelic smile, hoped he thought I was returning rather than going and finally dashed out of the gate!

Anyway, life finds newer ways to laugh at you. Just took my dog to the vet…which always is an experience in itself. People walk up to you and say “Hey what breed is he?”. “Mongrel”. “A who?”

Yup, one of those days again but today this annoying woman cut the line and decided to chat up the vet! While I was comforting my poor doggy to sit down and relax she was asking the most arbit questions like “So do mosquitoes bite dogs” “When will my dog’s nose disappear”(whatever that means). And when she ran out of conversation she decided to read out aloud, in slow motion, the entire prescription the vet had just written!!! And insisted on perfecting her pronunciation of dog medical terms!!! Double Argh!

But hang on! That’s not all. In that entire wait, I entertained myself by checking out the posters of dogs up for sale till I saw a dog with the same name as mine! MINE!! Not my nick name. My real, official, seriously serious name!!!! And my name isn’t even one of those “tommy” “shiny” “goldy” kind of dog names!! It’s a normal, meaningful, human name!! Hmph!
On that note, I think I need to stop writing and go find the stupid dog owner who thinks he can get away with this!

Zee Classic.....the channel i mean.......

Tata Sky has removed Zee Classic from their list of channels. My mum reminds me at least thrice every day to call them up and tell them to bring back the channel. I haven’t been doing it cause we get to see saner TV programmes

Anyway, found this half written blog on Zee Classic which I never came around to putting up……..hence as an ode…here goes!

(Written while suffering from Big Boss end depression)
Life has been rather dull post Big Boss. TV viewing has become rather cumbersome with absolutely nothing to watch nowadays. I’m now spending hours just looking at the Tata Sky menu trying to figure out something worth watching on any one of those 100 (claimed) channels!!!! Of course mom is having a ball cause she’s discovered the joys of Zee Classic and with no other channel to justify my viewership, I’ve given in and am spending a lot of my time watching Mala Sinha and Nargis running around trees…..not with each other of course….

In the course of many of these colour deprived movie viewing, I reached the conclusion that ….
The heroines are drunk in the movies. This is reflected in the fact that they can never run a straight line….and need to spread out their arms while running to retain their balance
The heroines ate too much chocolate. This is reflected in the good year tyres tied around their waist (Experience speaketh!) and in the tooth aches they suffered. Everytime the man told her he liked her, she places one hand on her cheek, makes this pained expression ….. before running in a not so straight line as mentioned above
They suffered from sever asthmatic problems. Chests heaved below the tons of artificial jewellery and rolls of dupattas around them…again at being asked out (errr……asked out?? Ok, at being told they will be loved)
They had nasty skin problems….or would have it now anyway. This is because they seem to have been bathed in white powder before the shot is shot
The men in a weak attempt to differentiate themselves from the fairer sex (usually tough to see through the dollops of make up and lipstick) sported the ugliest mustaches!!!! Refer Rehman

On a separate note, caught my ALL time favourite movie Jo jeeta wohi sikander on air (I know each and every dialogue by heart….esp the curly you b****** scene….) and for the first time in watching the movie for the 100th time, I felt Pooja Bedi’s actions in the movie were justified. Aamir Khan lied to her for God’s sake! I’m also a bit ashamed to admit that the vamp’s actions are making sense to me……… Hmmmm…

Ok am off now…….. putting this up now…..cause I haven’t blogged in days…… so oh well, will be back soon!

Of Fat and Photography….

There are 2 types of long weekends I hate. One, the types that come after a week of socializing such that when the actual weekend turns up you’re left gasping for breath while fitting into your jeans. Two, the types where your boy decides to take off to the interiors of some strange district on work and you’re left with nothing to look forward to for 3 days!!! Hmph!!

This week, I learnt, the cool haircut was a bad, bad idea after all. After the first wash, it looks like Lenny Kravitz himself would die at the sight of it! Hence have quickly purchased a bunch of colourful hairbands to keep the disaster in check. (Separately, the boy insists hair bands are also called “alice band”. Has anyone ever heard of that term? Please tell so that I can put the argument to rest). Just when I was sighing in relief that all’s under control, one of the giggly girls told me yesterday that if I pull my hair back as much, my hairline will start receding!!! Hmph! Am back to flaunting my bad hair life.

So back to photography as is the title of this post, the giggly girl gang met up for a birthday this week. And as always we decided to get into a bunch of budday snaps, so much so that at the end of the evening, we were blinded by the flashlight and never want to see a digital camera for the rest of our live….or till the next birthday!

The session started with someone saying let's take a picture for posterity and we launched into a series of permutations and combinations of where each one of us should position ourselves (who we should stand behind to hide our fat or who can stand sideways to look thinner) and then we got into a series of “no delete that…I’m looking too fat”. So after a whooping 100 million pictures, we finally got one with which everyone was satisfied….till we realize that someone had her eyes shut!!! And so the drill began all over again! In fact, a couple of years back, I think I exhausted the digicam battery by making them take retakes coz I looked horrible in each and every snap!!!

The other day I went out with the boy’s friends and since we didn't have a camera with us, they decided to use my terrible camera phone to start clicking and what came out was a bunch of pictures of the table, of glasses, of elbows on the table or just these blurred people talking to each other. Lesson learnt. Never allow the person who’s 4 beers down to try his hand at photography! It took me one full day editing the colours and zoom to get the pictures back in shape!!!

And more on photography, the Rishikesh (not Hrishikesh as was misspelt in previous post….there you go rt…) pictures were finally shared. There must have been 4 cameras on the trip, everyone took the same set of photographs and not one of them made me look good! Hmph! In fact, one of the experienced photographers took these awesome portraits of everyone and then there was me, full of freckles, full of pimples and a whoopingly apparent upper lip!!! After much dismay, photoshop was put to good use and blemishes were got rid off and the sweet soul who did this for me was thanked profusely!!! Phew!!

On a separate note, my boy called up the other day in much panic. “Zee I dreamt you had decided to start advocating the use of the purdah system among muslim women”. Given the young, conservative, muslim girl I am…..NOT…the possibility of that happening is as close as me piggybacking a man eating lion! So I sort of fell off the chair laughing and I must admit that the boy was much relieved!!

Ok am off now. Mum wants to take me shopping somewhere (Ugh). Till then……Say cheese!

The City Girl and Mother Nature

Before I start, this hit counter is damn cool man! And addictive! I keep going to my blog page and seeing oh wow! One more hit. Then it hit me (I’m the queen of puns) that I’m the one who’s been visiting my page and running up the hits! Hmph!

Got a haircut this weekend. Thought it looked very cool. But am not sure how to read reactions like this
“Hey haircut!”
“Yeah ”
Silence.
Now what was that reaction about? I mean really cool that you noticed my haircut but I didn’t quite get to hear a “nice” after that! So do you like it? Or is it so bad that you notice it but are polite enough to keep your opinion to yourself? Hmph anyway!

But that wasn’t quite the highlight of the week. The highlight was my Hrishikesh rafting trip, rechristened as the Zee-is-a-scary-poo trip!!!

I don’t think I’ve ever known how scared I am in life till this trip happened. I suffer from a disease called severe morbid thought provoker syndrome which I diagnosed at every step during the trip!
1. Fright of the bus toppling over when we went up the ghat road
2. Fright of me toppling over while trekking down to reach the camp
3. Fright of toppling into the river and getting washed away forever while rafting
4. Fright of crocodiles jumping through the water and chewing up my arm (Ok so this wasn’t such a big fright but I must confess the thought did cross my mind a couple of times)
5. Fright, that in the darkness of the night, the ghosts would decide to take a liking towards me for some vague reason, and decide to haunt me for life! Ok actually, I did think of the reasons too….that I was their lost lover from my previous life….that I was humming a song which they liked… that I was missing my boy and if their love story didn’t succeed they hate everyone who is not single (the downsides of not being single sigh sigh!)…..that I was the only one who was actually scared of them (this would be the pure evil ghosts who get sadistic pleasure of scaring poor little girls who are already scared of ghosts!)….and so on

But, on a serious note, there is nothing like the feeling of sitting by the river and just staring into space as the water sweetly gurgles by, the sun gently lightens up the hill tops, the soft, silky sand runs between your toes and the sensuous breeze strokes your face……..

And then there’s the feeling of sitting in the raft and you cursing yourself for being overweight and thinking you are the sole person to blame if the raft capsizes
……….the feeling of killing your arms while paddling through the water and cursing yourself that the first time you ever exercise in life is when your life depends on it!!
…….the feeling of the icy cold water numbing your body when you decide to jump off the raft in a moment of bravery later classified as a moment of stupidity, without knowing how to swim and you spend the next 1o secs gasping for breath and asking them to pull you out …….and get out to people laughing at you….you were wearing a life jacket, you know, you dweeb!!!
...........the feeling of the wave gushing over your face, you choking from the shower, yet enjoying the struggle, and the feeling of being able to conquer a rapid without the boat capsizing
…….the feeling of being soaked from head to toe in icy cold water and yet all you want to do is throw your head back and laugh……..

And the feeling of returning to the camp dirty as hell…. of avoiding the shower cause I’m shower phobic (long story…..next time)….of using the bio friendly loos and hating every minute of it….of nursing bruises and body ache and promising yourself that you’ll never do it again…

But as the bus descends the hills and you take one last look at the camp, you break that promise and the minute you’re back in signal area, you sms your friends fixing up a trip with them on the next long weekend you guys can take off……

Holi Spirit...Amen!

What’s the most beautiful sound you’ve heard? Raindrops against your windowpane? The sweet sound of the waves brushing against the shore? The soft breeze playing with your hair? The sensuous bite into a bar of chocolate? Or even the alarm bell going off after a boring class? Here’s what I think is the most beautiful sound in the world…..my own voice!!!! (hahahaha you thought this was going to be a philosophical post huh? Who are we kidding? It’s me!!!!)

So the point of that was that I can’t stop talking. And I’ve heard that a LOT today. Yet I haven’t been “talking” enough on this blog!!!! And that’s cause the boy is currently, unfortunately at the receiving end of my tendency to offload details of every bit of my day and that, my dear people, saved you from the torture of me discussing trivial matters like my colleagues pink toenails with you!!!

But today I’ve decided to give him a break and unleash my ranting on this post….and as always I have these millions of things I want to write about but they’re totally unrelated topics so I don’t know how to start. I guess a good way to start would be to complete the holi post I was writing a few weeks back!!!

Ok so before I start off with my holi post I must tell you what a psycho I’ve become. The other day had gone down for my daily brownie (give us today…our daily brownie…and forgive the pounds…) and was flipping through a magazine on life underwater and saw this glistening prawn like fish and instead of thinking “Oh how pretty” I immediately thought “Oh how yummy”. Yes I’m a food freak. No longer just a freak. I’m a specialist in food freakiness!!!

Back to holi. Woke up to 9 “wish your life is filled with colour” (Check out the honesty man! I could’ve said 100 smses yet I honestly said 9…reflective of my true popularity! Sighhhhhhhh). Holi, btw, is no longer characterized by obvious bollywood nos such as “holi ke rang sab mil jaate hain” or the silsila song….but now songs like “do me a favour let’s play holi…” take over and u want to kill anu mallik for it…and “hum pe yeh kisne hara rang daala” and u want to kill vestige for thinking that one up….

But anyway, candyman had called us excitedly and said “friend’s friend’s party….very page 3….belly dancers and all….do u want to come?” Now why belly dancers would be incentive for me to go I don’t know but I decided to tag along anyway just to see what a page 3 party could mean

Spent a good 20 mins trying to figure out what to wear. Hang on…let me make things clear. It’s not cause my wardrobe is full of fancy clothes which I don’t want to spoil with colours….it’s cause my wardrobe is overflowing with clothes one worse than the others that I don’t know which ones to start destroying first. So finally decided to put on some ill fitting (just like the rest of my clothes) trousers and a T that reached my knees.

Then began my hunt for hair oil. I haven’t oiled my hair in years now…for 2 reasons. One it reminds me of the time when I had long hair (way back in school) and of traumatic times when I would oil my hair to untangle it after a nasty hairwash. And two, cause I haven’t quite found a shampoo that completely washes away the oil (Why oh why would you be interested in knowing that). So anyway, finally found a parachute bottle and realized it was frozen. So I dug out these blobs of frozen oil and just placed it on my head. And then it took me hours to massage the blobs into my hair as it looked…err…. quite gross……

Finally turn up at this page 3 party thinking I would see some celebs but I had a tough time recognizing my own friends so gave up on trying to see through the shades of black and blue….and decided whoever was talking to me despite my bright, ugly pink face would be a friend of mine so just hung out with a bunch of extremely scary looking people with extremely shiny white teeth!!!

Anyway, I have to run now and I don’t want another half written post lying around so am putting this up anyway!
Current most hated song: Sajna di vaari vaari

The Warm Up Post

Ok ok, so I did the disappearing act again! Don’t nag. The cynic and the vestige already gave me quite a mouthful on how I have disappeared from the…..err…. life horizon. Though I think they’ve only missed me when they’ve had to pay double the entry as stags and didn’t have the charming young lady (read me) to accompany them and share the expenses

So lots of things been happening. Read between the lines baby! :)

1. I have stopped partying. Sorry orange room/climax/buzz. I have discovered life beyond dancing to “ek gillassi do gillassi teen gillassi chaarrrrrr”….. So been getting home by midnight on Saturday nights like a good Cinderella woman.

2. The frequency of hanging out outside Barista and staring into space and cracking nonsensical jokes with the boys has reduced, the result of which is that I’m much more ladylike (I even wear dangling earrings!!! And have been known to blush off late!!!) Ok, I must confess that I still do abuse like a sailor (beanpole terminology) when unleashed on MG road every morning but old habits die hard

3. Been working like a dog!!! (Am not sure why people use that phrase. Dogs don’t work hard. Horses work and cattle work but what work do dogs do??). Past 2 weeks I reached office at 8 (which means waking up at some godforsaken hour…read 7am) and returning home after all K serials finish (yipieeeee) read 9:30pm. But it got me thinking of an employee policy which I implore HR managers to implement….that people be allowed to reach office in their night suits if they have to reach office at anytime before 9…….Ok on second thoughts, while writing this down, I realized I don’t quite fancy seeing a lot of my colleagues in their nightsuits….so drop the idea….

4. Have had no giggly girl outings. Hence been very plugged out of gossip, fashion and how fat I look.

5. Had an awesome holi (thanks candyman for the invite)!!! Went for a friend’s friend’s friend’s party (Awesome huh how we invite ourselves to such things shamelessly!) But this is just a warm up post so will dedicate the holi happenings in my next post in detail in the next couple of days

6. Attended yet another wedding. Felt yet older. Felt weepy seeing my friend dressed as a bride. Felt weepier cause I lost another friend who’s name I could quote to my mum whenever the that-that-cannot-be-named topic came up “ABC’s not married!!!!” It now leaves a grand total of 2 from a whooping 15 people I knew in college who are not yet married!

7. Lost my single status. :) Hot boy asked me out. Said yes. So am single no more!! Yipieeeeeeeeeee. Ok now try not to die of shock…..and no violent reactions please!

Till the next post….Meow pussycats!

Shit! It’s 2:30am!!!

PS- something is seriously wrong with me. I’m actually foot tapping to psychotic music like “Fergilicious def….fergilicious def…fergilicious def def def def def def…” Someone kill Fergi!!!!

Being Im"Pact"ful

Be honest…did any of you know the funda of making a marriage pact with your buddy before you saw “My best friends wedding”? About securing your future in case you continue to be the loser you currently are while making this pact? About getting someone suckered to spending his/her miserable (actually to be miserable) life with you?? No, right? Yet now most of the people I know have such back ups....as do I

Now all is well if you have just that one back up in life. But the problem begins when you obviously lose complete confidence in yourself and make multiple pacts that in case the person who made a pact with you in his moment of kindness (actually more appropriately, madness) is taken, you should have others to fall back on. Of course, if you have zilch confidence in yourself, then you try and make pacts with every person of the opposite sex and are subjected to some nasty outbursts of laughter but let's not even get into that!!!!

Now zoom in angle 2. Angle 2 being that you obviously made these pacts when you were some 20/22….and laughingly said “when I’m 28 and still single, we’ll get married”. It seemed so far away. Now you’re 26....28 is just 2 years away....you have no potential spouse in sight and you break into a sweat thinking of all the pacts you need to now fulfill!! Ok so to be honest, the people who've made a pact with you are actually the ones who're nervous and subject you to things like this
“Zee, do you know how much pressure I am under now? I just have to marry the next girl my parents make me meet otherwise I’ll end up marrying you”
Some others feign amnesia. “No way did we make a pact!”
Or alter it to their convenience. “Zee it was your turning 30….not mine!!”

I did receive an sms a few days back saying “so do we get into a pact” and I’m thinking ok so 28 booked for A, 29 booked for B, 30 booked for C…..and it went all the way up till 42 (boy oh boy….the number of men who must be getting miniature heart attacks at the thought of it) but seems like he wasn’t quite interested in marrying me at my blossoming age of 42!!!

And nothing tops the story of this friend of mine who pacted (if that’s a word) with this girl to marry her if she’s single at 30 and with another girl when she’s 28 and the 28 year old is 2 years younger so little does the younger girl know that she’ll lose out by 24 days as the older girl turns 30 some 24 days before she younger one turns 28!!! Quite complex huh?

So here’s a word of advice to anyone who’s below in their early 20s and reading this post…..28 will be there before you know it….so don’t get into pacts unless you’re some 35 or something. And to everyone who’s above 25….what the hell….haven’t you got a pact in place already....losers!!

On a separate note, saw Eklavya yesterday. Don't know what was more annoying...the movie or the 4 year old boy sitting next to me who seemed to have developed a crush on me in 2 hours. Kept tapping my shoulder and giving me these toothy grins everytime I'd turn to look at him and would move forward to check out the guy I was with. And then he almost shoved popcorn in my face and told his mom "Aunty ko de raha hoon" (Not didi! Aunty!!!) And when they said "Rajaji ki jai" in the movie, the boy yelled out "Auntyji ki jai"!!! On second thoughts, he didn't quite develop a crush. Think he was making fun of me. Hmmmm.....

Mouth-Not-Shut.com

My boss asked me "You don't have tea/coffee na?"
"No...not unless I'm really sleepy....so in case I'm ever having tea during a meeting, it means I'm bored and falling asleep"
Pause. Serious tone. "You shouldn't have told me that"

There are basically, a LOT of times like these, when I wish I knew when to shut up!! Maybe the reason why a lot of my friends tell me "Kitna bolti hai yaar", "Achha bas, shut up" or "Zee man, you're giving me a headache"... is because I don't quite talk through the day at work (nothing intelligent to say you see....so I just keep shut) and when the evening comes, I suffer from extreme verbal diarrhea...diarrheoa.. (or however the hell you spell it). None of my giggly girls would ever accuse me of talking too much though...let me assure you...cause they beat me hollow at it ...but it is a serious issue otherwise....especially when it comes to keeping secrets!!!!

You see, as a kid, if someone told me a secret (as evolved a secret as "I think Kevin Arnold is cute"...(remember him? Wonder years) ....) we'd cross out hearts never to spill the beans (I'm not sure why these qualified as secrets in the first place....not like our parents would lock us up just in case we ran off with him....what were we thinking man!!!). But the larger point being, I would run back home and write it in my diary and the secret would be offloaded

Now, life is slightly different. Now I'm this big fat lazy bum who finds it a herculean task to maintain her tax file (which I'm assuming is one of the most important files in the world) so maintaining a diary of "daily events" would be quite something. Though hey, it's tons and tons of fun looking back at your diaries when you were thirteen and laugh at the ridiculous problems you had in life.
"The character of Scott has changed in Neighbours (remember " Everybody needs good neighhhhhhhhbouuuuuuurrrrrsssssss").... How will I ever go on with my life? " Tears blot the words
"Jonty Rhodes has hurt his hand....what if he's not able to play the match" Tears again...
"I can't fit into my jeans anymore".... Ok so that, is a valid one!! And continues to exist!!!

So the point being, now I don't have a diary and I don't know how/who to offoad my secrets to..so it's even tougher to keep secrets at this point in life...so I make a trade off and never keep any about myself. My life is an open book no one is interested in even flipping through anyway (sigh sigh sigh sigh)

On a tangent, it's worse when you're told to keep a secret and another person is also told the same secret and asked to keep mum and you're both trying to hold a straight faced conversation when the secret teller is having a hearty laugh at your expense!!!

So next time you tell me a secret, and do go ahead and tell (coz that's what really spices up my inconsequential, unhappening life) despite this post....please be aware of the trauma I'm going through to keep it to myself......so YOU OWE ME ONE!!!

(Ooooh boy....arbit blog!)

Hic-kies

Bold subject? In its own ways….But no…this is not a post on such interesting subjects (I know what you’re thinking…naughty naughty)….rather it’s on the certain things friends subject you to when they’re drunk …. Friends, henceforth, referred to, as Hic-kies in this post

1. You receive smses like this “Zm tak car mad horn non get yiel room”. After you employ the services of your smarter counterparts in interpreting that sms, you realize what you thought was “My car horn’s gone mad…not getting to my room” (whatever that means)... you realize what it actually says is “You take care of your mom get well soon”.

2. They call you up on ISD and sing versions never heard of, of songs which you swore by and after their version, swear by to never listen to again! You also get calls at the end of the month saying “What the hell…these telephone companies are billing me gigantic amounts for some reason. I’m going to sue them”. Stop serenading all the way from across continents and I assure you telephone companies will be kind

3. You’re way past your deadline, already in a car which is huffing and puffing to touch a 20km/hr speed and the Hic-kie in the passenger seat decides to pull up the handbrake every time u accelerate!! The result… no pick ups for the Hic-kie in passenger seat in the future, hoarse voices from shouting and then laughing at the Hic-kie and of course you get grounded for a month!

4. Some Hic-kies decide to think of their exes and weep just at the time when you have taken a break from thinking of your ex as an *&*^% (family blog…..errr…ok not quite)…and are actually missing him too! What follows is a series of howling and the only person who smiles through this episode is the bar owner as the Hic-kies drive up the bill!

5. Some Hic-kies also start seeing things and go to the extent of saying “Shit man, you’re actually looking good” and before you can pat your hair and break out into a modest smile they top it up with “Shit man, I must be really drunk”

So next time you’re a Hic-kie….what the heck! Encore! It’s really entertaining!

Check....no mate

(101 reasons why I can't marry....assuming someone is willing to of course!)

Today my maid’s leave coincided with mine. So I couldn't feign exhaustion from office as I do usually at times like these and had to help out mum in the kitchen. While she did most of the cooking and cleaning, I shadily thought I’m contributing by pushing the dishes into the micro and pressing the 2 min button. That's when I realised I'm so not ready to get married

For starters I cannot run a house!!! I have no clue as to when bills are paid in my house, when bulbs are changed or when the maids come and go. I didn't even know the geyser didn't work in the kitchen till I got a frost bite trying to wash the utensils today

I can't cook. To put things in perspective, my friends are expert cooks. They can put together a 5 course meal within mins and have people smacking their fingers for more. I, on the other hand, still need to read the instructions on the back of a Maggi pack. (The font has decreased and it’s given in one corner now coz they believe the world knows it and doesn’t refer to it but I do I do! Feedback for you Nestle people!)

I can't keep the house clean. My room's a dumpyard of dusty books I've never read, dried up pens, floppies (remember those?), single socks, old bedcovers, broken chairs and a carpet where my dog eats his food. (My cupboard stays locked so I'm not even going to try and describe that!)

And then of course....there's the babies angle!! (I want to shoot myself for even thinking of this but check out the event below)

Couple of weeks back went with this couple friend to see another couple friend's new born (couple couple couple!!). I’m looking down at this bundle on the bed and I’m thinking uhhhh.....how is the mum ever going to catch a good night sleep again.... when the other girl with me says “Oh I wish I had one!” What? Are people around me seriously thinking of having babies? Like looking after babies day in and day out? I mean I have the most adorable 2 yr old niece in the whole wide world…the sunshine of my entire family including mine……but I still break out into a sweat if my sister asks me to babysit her for too long!

And with these thoughts fresh in my mind, one of them says "You know I'm going to be 26...time to have a family" and then they all turn to look at the only single person in the room, me, and say with deep concern "Zee, aren't you planning to get married?" "Er....no" "Then when will you have babies?" Oooh boy!!

You know, so many movies have this romantic scene where the guy looks into the woman’s eyes and says “I want to be the father of your child”…..I wonder how the audience would take it if the woman would say “oh shittttttttt.......I don't want a child right now...contact me 4 yrs from now..."

And to top it all, that same evening, one of my friends was practicing her numerology on me and says your numbers mean u have very "masculine energy"...which she said meant I was a tomboy (not a nice thing to say to a 26 yr old!) .

I was deeply offended by this masculine energy bit. My mum says I have no energy at all. She think I’m going to turn into a patta gobi anyday the amount I vegetate. I have this amazing ability to stare into space for hours and think of nothing at all. I’m not too sure what this says about me but….

Not the point. The point is I don't want to get married. In fact I don't even want my friends to get married cause they turn into these things that think you're psycho for not wanting to get married. And then spend their life tsking at your sad life (which btw, is not so sad after all you know)

I think my brain's rusting.......as are my blogs.....

Cause You're There For Me Too.......

Happy New Year!!!

Writer's block. Subject block. Brain block. Hence no post for so long. So in case this post sucks (and I have a strong feeling it will), please excuse the rusted pen....errr....keyboard

So very little social life this year (ok I promised a friend to clarify that it's not true and I do actually have a social life coz someone is always sweet enough to allow me to tag along with them on saturday nights) but since the beginning of the year I haven't got to do much.

But that's not the point. To get myself back into the writing mode which some mad friends of mine insisted I do (personally think it's cause they get a nice hearty laugh by laughing at my miserable life) have decided to blog on just that.....the mad mad friends we have!

I've learnt...

1. Friends always make sure they don't notice the haircut you've spent a bomb on (Achha kuch karaya hai?)
2. And always make fun of your fashion sense (That's a t shirt? It looks like a confused choli)
3. Friends die of shock when you tell them hot boy said you're cute (You??? Did he say this before or after you sported that pimple?)
4. Friends spend half their lives trying to get your surname right (Your surname sounds like iIm gargling zee....insults insults!)
5. Friends spend a major part of their lives inducting you to the world of abuses and then pretend to be shocked when you use it (You're not such a young conservative muslim girl after all....)
6. Friends never let you forget the mistakes you've made (You actually dated that loser?)
7. Friends indulge you with the yummiest homemade chocolate desserts cause they know that's the way to cheer you up
8. Friends turn up at the doorway with a 1 kg bag of chocolates which give you tons of happiness (tons of pimples and tons of weight)
9. Friends come up with bright ass ideas to have ice cream in peak winters and convince you to do the same
10. Friends cover you with a blanket when you're curled up on the train berth
11. Friends always have a story worse than yours, a love life worse than yours, a problem worse than yours or so they make you believe when you start to feel low
12. Friends download the coolest music and pass it on to you without you even asking
13. And friends also have this uncanny way of knowing exactly what you want them to say when you're down and out, exactly when you need a hug, when you need a pat, when you need a laugh, when you want to be alone....

And you love each and every one of them despite all their quirky, mad ways!

Here's to my bunch!


Ps- is it normal for a 26 year old to get zits at the drop of a hat???